The past nine days have been so intense that I cannot sleep. At all. Which means I am making some potentially bad decisions.

Because I stopped posting while I feared TNG knew about his site there is so much missing to understand why TNG is not the boyfriend or N is still sort of in the mix or BFD still kisses me or why LP and I spent the night together.

Over time, I hope to fill in some of the gaps because I need to understand it. I need to know how I got here so I can figure out where I am going. When I take a minute to reflect, things make so much more sense. But right now, everything feels chaotic and weird.

Also, I am not sleeping.

Last Friday, I went to dinner with TNG at a very chic restaurant in a hipster area and then a cultural event in the same area. Dinner was amazing. I had lamb, wine, and we split a dessert. It was an early night and I left it pretty irritated with TNG because he wanted to leave early and just wanted to go home. I was upstairs by 930, pouting.

Saturday morning, TNG picked me up to do a foodie day out in the country. It was wonderful and extravagant and I earned every pound I gained from drinking and eating our way back into town. We took a long, leisurely bath together and still did not come close to having sex. It’s been about a month and a half since we’ve attempted anything. We kiss, often passionately, we are very physically affectionate, and he always holds my hand, but we’re sex free as he’s just not there. Okay.

The day was so exhausting and ridiculous that we slept in on Sunday until he made brunch, then lazed around until we showered so I could head back into town. Still sexless, despite my overtures and activity.

Sunday night, I went to a gala with N, which was wonderful. He picked me up in his flashy sports car and we had a wonderful time. I wore my favorite dress, which he loved, and my hair down at his request, and it was a lovely if rather non-romantic evening. I am an excellent wife to him. He’s a wealthy prominent bachelor and I am a decade his junior with very appropriate passions and hobbies. I am a hit on the cocktail party circuit and with me on his arm, I score N even better invites. It was fun and it reminded me of the old me, the wildly successful me.

Newly inspired on Monday, I started thinking about recapturing some of my old professional magic. BP called me early and heard the energy and enthusiasm in my voice. When I told him I was doing planning for me, he began pitching an old project for us and reminding me of how close we were to finally closing two things. It was rather inspiring, but mostly it inspired me to call BFD and remind him that I wanted to have a meeting with him this week to discuss my plan.

I also exchanged texts and emails with LP for hours, starting at 322 when I texted him to ask if he wanted me to send him the new profile picture I’d just posted (from Saturday’s trip). LP and I are not connected on any social media. He has no public profile on fb, he does not tweet, he’s not even on linked in. The only way he sees my photos is when I send them to him, so I send him a new profile pic every time I update it on my social media stuff. We exchanged pictures and email until TNG arrived to take me to dinner at 735. Some 80 messages.

TNG took me to dinner at a cute Italian place. I had a salmon salad and steamed clams. It was nice, if a bit awkward. We were both still exhausted, but we caught up a bit. It was an early evening. He walked me up to my place, we kissed quite passionately, and then he left.

I could not sleep.

It had been an invigorating day professionally and I was a little conflicted personally. LP had still not stepped up to see me and TNG was not stepping up. I started watching tv and finally got up at 120 am to wash my face and get ready for bed. It’s why I missed LP’s texts. He called me within a minute of sending me 2 texts, then picked me up within 20 minutes.

We spent a passionate sex-free night in each other’s arms, during which I barely slept again.

Tuesday morning, we got coffee at sbux and he drove me home. We exchanged texts in the morning and I enjoyed the thought that maybe finally we could be together. I knew I would not see LP again, as he was leaving early the next morning for a business trip (until Saturday, though I knew I would not see him then). Exhausted and ailing, I had a late thai dinner with TNG, who drove me to multiple drug stores so I could find the right bandage for a weird injury.

Wednesday, I had a meeting with BP and parties to a project. Then BP and I went out to dinner at our favorite mid-level restaurant, where we proceeded to get quite hammered early. I was home early, tipsily texting ended up seeing TNG because we agreed at some point that I would borrow his suv for the next day’s trip out to see BFD’s project. I spent the night at TNG’s, with still no action, and drove myself home to get ready.

Thursday, I went to BFD’s “graduation,” which was weird and uncomfortable in a few ways, but mostly okay. Then I saw TNG for an event we ended up skipping for dinner at our favorite new restaurant. It was a nice date, but it ended early at my place. I assume he walked me up, but I no longer remember.

Friday was a long weird day: early morning meeting for which I was late, then a drive in TNG’s suv out to a small town an hour outside of town, then a great meeting with an old client about new opportunities, then dinner and quality time with my best friends, which was awesome.

Still no sleep because I had to be up early for my Saturday to see BFD for our workout. I got injured in the workout and we had a bad day because he chose to blow off plans with me to hang out with me and a bunch of people.

We caught up later on, at night, via phone, but he pissed me off completely and I left our interactions reminding myself that there is a reason he is my ex. My computer started having problems, and I decided to install new software, which was a mistake. Hours later, I had a bricked computer and still no sleep. I began writing a post about LP, about how nervous I am to think that we’re together.

I wrote and wrote and wrote, and I did not sleep at all.

TNG and I skipped brunch. He brought over breakfast tacos while we worked on my computer, then we hit a farmers market, and spent the late afternoon apart. I drove out to see him and he had made steak salad and grilled asparagus with heirloom tomatoes. On the way home, we stopped to buy otc sleeping pills because I cannot sleep. Still.

I have taken one, so I should be falling asleep soon.

Fingers crossed.

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