From July 5:
It is 5:57 pm and I feel happier than I have felt for a while. I am excited and energized and motivated in a way I’ve not felt for so long.
I had a work conference call today that was great, followed by a couple of hour conference call with BP, and I can tell the difference inside my own head.
I can say with no timidity, no fear, no hesitation . . . I am back, baby.
I am fully within myself in a way I’ve not felt for a while. I am back in control of me and my life in a way I have not felt. My brain feels like it’s firing on all (or at least 6) cylinders.
I have spent the weekend alone. Well, dateless, anyway.
I went out with BFD on Thursday, when he kissed me and gave me some fucking perspective. Seriously, a simple kiss from him kicked me out of my funk. It’s not that I’d be back with him, it’s that moping around about a guy or two who I can’t or shouldn’t or won’t be with is so freaking stupid. Also, it reminded me of what it was like to be with him in the good days.
We made vague plans for Sunday, which I knew he’d never make, but he seemed so excited about it at the time. Still, I know him, and I never heard a word from him, despite his insistence that I would. I love him, but I know him, and it was never more than possible. Hot Neighbor and I laughed about it because BFD has made plans with HN and then canceled his own plans. Repeatedly.
I stayed in on Friday and cleaned my place. I heard something vague and innocuous from LP rather unexpectedly a “how are you?” message with no follow-up. Weird. We know I twitter-stalk his oversharing ex, right? So, I know she was on vacation with his kid as she does every time he could possibly have a day off. No clue if he joined her or not, but from her messages this weekend, it appeared he did not. And yet, he might very well have been there and she just never mentioned him, which is unlikely.
More importantly, I kinda don’t care.
I had this long talk with BP today and I always forget that BP actually knows LP in real life. BP and I have long referred to all of the men in my life by nicknames that have nothing to do with their actual names and I NEVER tell BP who they actually are. But I slipped and referred to LP’s ex by (former) profession and he immediately knew who she was and then he he was. And he actually knows them and has known them for years.
So he knows LP is slightly crazy and exactly like me. So when I mentioned what was happening and the lengths to which she has gone to keep us apart, BP got it and was sad for me because everyone knows that the perfect person for me is LP, even LP. Despite that, it’s just never going to happen, and I think everyone knows that, too, maybe even LP. At some point, he will figure out how to move on from his current situation, but it seems like our night together was an aberration, not the new reality. That’s okay. Just knowing he exists in the world, that he feels as he does, that everything I’d thought was real and true and that it was never about sex, well, I am okay with that. It’s hard to believe I’ve still not had sex with LP, we’ve spent two nights together, we are very open to discussion, and, in fact, we cleared that we would be having sex, and then we didn’t. He wanted to talk (and kiss and cuddle). Which is exactly the right thing.
But, he’s not in my life and I just cannot worry about him or what he’s doing. Knowing he exists is enough right now. It’s like knowing he is there somewhere makes it okay to move on. Or something. All I know is that I think of him and smile, as though he’s part of my past, and, for now, that’s okay with me.
I have to put myself first. I have to take control. I have to let go of the things I cannot control. My head has not been in the game for a very long time and I’ve been crazier, more erratic, more depressed, and just plain weird for a while.
But, today . . . I feel like me. Like my best me. Like the person I know and love, and not this shell I’ve become suffering under the wait of trauma and drama and stress and anxiety.
I am leaving behind so much of the detritus of the last few months. I’ve been cleaning and scrubbing and preparing to reclaim every inch of my physical space. Doing so has reminded me of how depressed and disconnected I’ve been. For anyone, that’s unfortunate, but since my only asset is my brain, it’s deadly. Not thinking straight means everything takes 10x longer than it should and I make stupid mistakes.
I have been doing the same to my emotional space. TNG has stopped speaking to me after our breakup. He’s texted a few times. He “liked” a link on my page yesterday, but he won’t answer the phone when I call, even when I’ve texted in follow-up that I had a technical question about his steam cleaner, which I borrowed a couple of weeks ago to clean and disinfect everything).
I feel emotional distance from LP right now. I can tell I feel differently about him. He’s been mostly quiet for a couple of weeks, unlike the weeks leading up to when we saw each other. I know he’s been traveling for work. I know he’s not actually here, but still, he’s quiet. It could be that now that he knows we’re okay, he can go back to fighting the rest of his battles knowing we’re okay, or that he has turned his attention completely elsewhere. Rather than feeling mired in wondering, I don’t really care. I love that he exists. I am dealing with the fact he’s not in my life. I am not feeling bereft, which feels like a win.
I am recommitting to me and to doing things that make me happy. I am recommitting to my workout, knee injury or no. (Knee feels better and I will go back on Tuesday.) I am recommitting to a new new new plan.
I am setting goals and holding myself to them. I have new tactics to help me get through this madness. I have interesting meetings set. And I have a date on Wednesday with N before he flies back to the coast.
It’s a life.