I am having a very bad day unrelated to this, which just makes it all worse …

I feel a tightness in my chest when I think of LP because he is absent.

I know, thanks to his oversharing ex, that he is not here. He is off being his kick-ass self. He has been back and forth every week or so since I saw him five weeks ago.

I was trying to explain to T, my darling little sister, how I feel. Instead I sent her to this blog post describing part of my night with him. I tried to explain, poorly, that those minutes when we snuggled and talked about how hard it’s been to be apart and how much he wanted desperately to be with me, to have me in his life so that I could be with him as much as I wanted . . . it’s why my chest hurts.

My friends want me to believe it’s the old cliché . . . he is stringing me along, but it’s a silly thing to think that as there is virtually no benefit to stringing me along. It’s not like we’re having sex (I dispute whether what happened between us counts as sex under any definition). We have all of the torment of a romance with few, if any, of the pleasures.

He seems to gain strength from our connection. He says that it helps him cope, to deal with the crushing loneliness, to know that I with him. He says he is terribly conflicted because he is such a disaster and I am so wonderful. But he knows logically that I am a bit of a disaster too. He loves
My hidden sweetness, and he is genuinely loving and sweet too.

But frankly the longer we are apart, the harder it is to believe/remain open/not hurt.

The more doubt creeps in, the more I hurt.

I glance at her feed at times to find out where he is. What I have seen are two references to dates (one with him and kid) and a fathers day outing but did not reference him specifically and after he flew back for an event for kid. That is it. For 7 weeks, if not longer.

She always mentions him as though they are still together though they have lived apart for so long. She sometimes slips but it is obvious he does not live there. It is obvious he is not there when she mentions a date. But he is also not with me.

It is all stupid. If I were listening to everyone, I would shut it down… how I feel. But how do you shut that down?

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