Hello, faithful readers (and diary).
I am happy, relaxed, and at peace.
There is drama, trauma, cancer, the imminent arrival of a new unplanned baby from two people who were near strangers at conception and have proven to be a horrendously bad match (LP’s ex scenario again), the possible departure of my best friend Jerk Face to a new job in a new city four hours away, and BFD has not spoken to me or returned a call or email in over a week, which is creeping me out.
Amidst all of that and all oc the layers of suck and pain and anguish buried therein, I am happy, relaxed, and at peace.
I am looking at myself and my life and my actions so much more clearly than before my little breakdown/breakthrough. I’ve become simulatneously more aware and less navel-gazing. I can feel my brain working like my brain again.
I am seeing things more clearly and able to take definite action. An example … I had a huge (for me) bill come due and no way to pay it or move it. I had an ultimate backup plan in place, of course, asking BFD for help, but that is a worst case fraught with peril. So I called XP, my ex business partner, from whose lucrative partnership I’d walked away years ago for myriad excellent reasons, and said, hey, I have a cash flow problem and I need 1200 in three days, is there Ny one who needs lawter work done? And, he called me back in 5 minutes with the client and the funds were deposited in advance an hour before I needed them. That seems so simple.
LP is gone, I think. I mean away physically. We are still quite connected and he’s become increasingly responsive as our communication has settled into a bit of a routine. He is working hard again, and assuring me we’ll be together soon. Soon.
I know him, and I appreciate that we’ve not taken an easy path. He does not want to be with me until we can be “together-together.” Still not waiting home alone.
And I am on the cusp of 40. I don’t feel 40. I don’t feel 38. I feel vibrant. I feel young. I feel sexy. I hear from friends and strangers that I am “too hot to be 40.”. Skipping maternity does have its privileges, I assume.
I had a deep, meaningful conversation with A today and he expressed relief that we did not have kids. I had always assumed we would, and we didn’t a d he broke up with ne so I could with someone else three years ago.
We are happier apart, and still close friends, but the kid thing hurts a bit as I am watching a friend with cancer hastened by her fertility treatments.
Despite all this or maybe because of it, I am really solid and really good.