I have been trying to capture what happened with LP and to figure out why I am in so much pain.
In terms of posts, we are now up to four posts capturing about an hour and a half of time.
I know that is crazy, but the entire thing was surreal — from the highest highs to the lowest lows and the pain I have felt in my chest has been overwhelming.
I have not eaten more than a few handfuls of nuts and some scrambled eggs in a day and a half. I could not bare to eat real food, the idea of it sickening me.
Because we were so overly emotional, because we were so intimate, because we opened ourselves up so completely, any wrong word felt like death. We left a beautiful afternoon hurt and angry. We each said things that hurt the other… only I have apologized. What was said would have been mild had everything not been so fraught.
I do harbor the fear/recognize the reality that I am a fantasy for LP. He said a couple of staggering things: that we shouldn’t be be having sex because he implied it would become an obsession for him — it already is and had been. He also told me that when we first met, he could not believe I existed — I was so smart and beautiful and interesting and cool — that fantasized about me actively that night, even though I was someone else’s girlfriend. He has often told me that during our months of separation before our first date, he could not forget me. I told him that I saw him on [the big road in the ritzy suburbs] when we were right next to each other in our cars facing in opposite directions. I could not find his number in my phone in time. He could not believe it, but I told him that I always knew I’d see him again.
After all of the physical and emotional intimacy, we are now apart. Not officially of course. He said many times in the car that he was very hurt but we’d be okay. I did not believe him. I still don’t.
He withdraws into himself deeply when he is hurt. We both know this. I usually do the same but I had promised him early that I would be open where i would normally be closed. He said this is a big incompatibility for us, but I think it’s just another way for him to create distance between us.
Being with me scares him, not unreasonably, because he is obsessed with me and because we do love each other at a time that is thoroughly inconvenient for him. He is on edge.
So after we were finally together, knowing how much we desperately wanted to be together, we are now done. At least it feels done.
I called his office around 11 today to invite him to my bday party. His secretary said he’d just stepped out, so I called his cell and texted him to say I hate to make invites over text, but I’d love for him to come to my party. That was 5 hours ago. No response.
Which is all the response I need to know we are done. I am hurt and angry, and moving on.
I am glad we had sex. I like knowing that I will live on in his memory, this beautiful afternoon, my “perfect body” my perfect [everything]. He will beat himself up about it, and then he too will move on.