This is not what you want to read.  Hell, I am not sure I will post it as password-protected no less as anything else, but I am floating in a cloud of euphoria because I am actually starving.

And I like it.

So I am writing this to remind myself that this is unhealthy, that I should ask for help, that I should eat the food I do have in the house, but I am rationing because I have no idea when I will have money.

I could call BFD of course.  I could call anyone, but frankly no one is particularly interested in my situation and I am not particularly interested in telling them.

I had everything perfectly planned out financially … but I got two billing dates wrong, so I was short and needed help paying my electric and then my cable went through, taking my last $50. I dropped $50 on myself at my own birthday party three weeks ago, but I got sick and my bills did not go out on time and I’ve been slammed with work and and and

So Saturday, unbeknownst to me, my account was overdrawn and my food money was <poof>.  I had an egg,  couple of bags of edamame, some cheese. I was utterly and completely unprepared, so I did what one does . . . I rationed.  I survived the weekend, and then went out to a three course dinner with N at the best restaurant in town, drank champagne that costs $13/glass, and then spent the next day eating edamame with sea salt and cracked pepper.

Yeah.

I am not hungry at all.  I have meat in the freezer, but I don’t want to eat it.  I don’t want to eat anything.  This just feels easier.  But, I know it’s not good.  My joints hurt.  All of them.  They feel inflammed. My ligaments are tight.  I feel a little lightheaded.  I don’t hate the feeling.

I am skipping my workouts, though I have a card I paid $100 for three weeks ago because I know I will be injured if I go.  My body is not healthy. It’s only been 4 days on reduced food.  So far today, maybe 500 calories so far.  Maybe. Dinner will bring me up to 750-800.  It’s defrosted in the micro chirping at me.  I don’t want to get up.  Don’t want to eat.

I can feel as I go up and down stairs that I will be injured if I workout, so I am skipping though it means not seeing BFD, who I miss.

I have been experiencing some real sadness, despite how well almost everything is going.  Work is great, and money should be not a problem within weeks. But it is now.  And I am scared.  I am hungry, but I like how this feels too.

My body is starting to look more like my body.  I like my skinniest body, the one that freaks everyone else out.  I like it, BFD liked it, LP liked it (though he liked me however I looked), and I am sure YM would like it too. (Things with him are strange and deserve their own post.)

So I should eat a little. I should ask JF for some cash.  I will see A tomorrow and he’ll handle things, I am sure, if I ask. But for now, I am slightly euphoric and thinking of all the things I can’t eat.

I finally put half of a sausage link on the foreman grill.  It’s enough protein, about 3 oz, which is a serving size.

I finally ate and had some broccoli.  I know I need to eat more vegetables. I am only a day or two away from looking malnourished — in pallor, not in weight.

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