Yesterday was the second anniversary of The Best First Date Ever, when BFD became my boyfriend from the moment he took my hand to help me up a step.  I remember every moment of that day as though it were yesterday.

I still love him, even after all this time.  He still loves me, too.

I did not call him yesterday to check in.  He’s been giving me a hard time for not checking in enough.  I am still his best friend here, and we still love each other, but I’ve been caught up in drama with The Nice Guy, LP, and the Younger Man, and we’ve drifted apart a little.  I’ve drifted apart.  I’ve been sick too and skipping class, which is where we would see each other at least once or twice a week when he was in town.

Anyway, that’s where we were. He’s been traveling so we spoke last week and he was jerky one night and then great the next, as always, but I called him this afternoon to say hi.  We only spoke for about three minutes as it was midafternoon, but it was important.

He said, as he answered: “I was JUST thinking about you.”  We caught up a little and he asked how business was, and I said that things are about to close on my deal … “So my life will be normal. Then what are you going to do?”

He exhaled a little and said “I don’t know.”

It wasn’t really what I’d meant to ask him, but it’s always been at the forefront for us.  If I could only get my business back on track, we could be together.  That’s been his issue with me the whole time, that I was financially unstable, which scared the hell out of him.  Yes, he’s never-have-to-work-a-day-in-his-life rich, but he supported an exgf to the tune of 60k and he said it ruined their relationship to have the power dynamic so off.  He was always clear about it, he did everything he could to help me launch a new career, so I don’t begrudge him anything.

He also broke up with me so that I could pay me without “keeping me.”

Okay, so here were are and I ask him, teasingly, Then what are you going to do and he replies, I don’t know.  It’s not really what I meant.  I meant, what is it going to be like when you no longer have to worry about me or cash flow me.  But he answered the unspoken question, what are you going to do when I have met your condition.

He answered thoughtfully and seriously, I don’t know.  Which means, he’s thought about it, too.  What happens when I am independent.  What happens when we could be together.  I know that we are well-suited.  I remember what it was like before he got depressed and our relationship went sideways.  I know he will always be a narcissist, but he has shown to me over the past year since the big breakup and the nine months since the little breakup that he is the man I always believed him to be.  He knows I have had his back.

We  both know, or should know, we’ve been with other people in the interim, but no one that has been diverting enough.  At a party with his current girl, he spent time with me.

Would I reconcile with him? Probably.  I do love him.  I am still attracted to him.  He loves me and is still attracted to me.  We still kiss each other after our dinners or brunches.  We’re still always sort of dating.

The funniest part of our breakups were that we got closer once we alleviated the marriage pressure. Now, we are better friends, more openly loving, and whatever.

I have always known that if I got my life together, he would be an option for me.  He’s still among the most eligible bachelors in town.  He’s handsome, he’s sexy as hell, he’s rich and athletic, and he loves the arts as I do.  I make him a better, more gracious version of himself.  I saved him, and I have been loyal and loving to him while we were together and since we’ve been apart. He has saved me more times than I want to acknowledge, protecting me, supporting me without ever making a big deal out of it.

Over the next month, as my life stabilizes, we will both have a lot to think about.  What I know after today is that we’ve both already been thinking about it.

For him, and for me, the answer is a serious, thoughtful “I don’t know.”

Which really sounds like, I think we do.

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