I miss you all terribly. I really do. I love that some of you now follow me openly on elsewhere, despite my overtweeting. I live in a city where twitter is a vehicle for the smart set, and I’ve met incredible friends, gone to great parties, and have a romance or something happening still with YM.
I am b-r-o-k-e. I am beyond broke. I started rationing food a few weeks ago when I got nervous about running out. Seriously. I am not proud. I am quite ashamed. I’ve not really told anyone this, but certain friends have either begun to suspect or I just outright told them — spot me $20. I am amazed on how well I can eat for what I, in flusher times (or on dates), blow on a glass of wine. I am behind on a super-important condo related payment, I am overdrawn, and I have a couple of utilities issues arising in the next 10 days. But, salvation is in the form of $2k I have coming in shortly in invoices I’ve already billed (my expenses are really nothing) and in some additional work I am picking up.
And yet, best of times, I just signed three huge clients and should end the year making 6 figures.
It’s insane. I am just trying to survive for another 45 days, and keep plugging away at a mix of small, medium and large projects. My tech problems and a month-long illness delayed a lot, but I am hopeful, despite being destitute.
My weight is knocking around 116. I look thin, but healthy. I’d like to drop another pound or two, but I am not really worrying about it. I had a ridiculously indulgent meal with The Nice Guy who dumped me in June. We’re talking again and he took me to dinner at our favorite place and then to a party at N’s where I bumped into BFD’s post-me ex-gf, who is now dating N. Heh.
I have begun drinking wine at home, for the health benefits, as I know I am not getting enough antioxidants, etc. I have a half a glass to a glass an evening. It’s not affected my weight. It is making me slightly more relaxed. I am monitoring it closely, especially the weight part as I am crazy. It’s also enabling me to add in 50-90 more calories, which can’t hurt.
I finally lost all the weight I’d intentionally gained starting last February, and then the 5-8 pounds dating TNG. If you do follow me on twitter, I now weigh 8+ pounds less than that photo, which TNG took after a day trip to a barbecue place and a couple of vineyards. (I do live in Texas, after all.)
I suffered a stomach ailment and another stress fracture, so I am not working out at all. When I still had disposable income a few weeks ago, I renewed my membership for my workouts, so I can go as soon as I’ve recovered fully.
Bottom line: I look good, I am being indulgent at times, and I am concerned a little, but I am trying to be as smart as I can be about eating.
I am completely single and not single at all. Essentially I am not dating a man I am sort of exclusively seeing, and dating all of my exes, and being pursued by anyone who thinks I am single.
YM and I are not dating, but we’re very much together. On Monday, BFD rocked my world in a really bad way (he said no when I asked for help, and offered a more generous less feasible solution). I called YM as I wanted to (a) vomit, and (b) cry. He talked to me for 2.5 hours. YM manages me. He reminds me to eat, reminds me to go to bed at a reasonable hour, check-in with me regularly throughout the afternoon and evening at a minimum and is very present and wonderful. That would make him the opposite of everyone else.
The not dating thing is interesting because we’re very open about it. He is not in a great place in his life right now, trying to find a new career after he sold his business, struggling a bit financially. And he knows that I am out of his league. But, I know he really likes me. I know I really like him. We want to date, we just want to be in more stabilize positions when we do.
I can tell he’s finally feeling better health-wise after taking days to just sleep and rest because he’s back to being very flirtatious with me. We also stayed up on Friday night on chat planning a fantasy trip to a place he’s been before. Who knows. Depending on how things work out, we may be able to take it. He’s slightly less id, more thoughtful. He’s an interesting guy with a lot of depth, and much smarter than I would have thought. He carries himself as a former athletic star, which he was, and he is super-competitive. I also think he’s cute, even if he is the whitest whiteboy of all time. My cousin T refers to him as shortbread. There are a lot of layers to him. I say this because people who know him a little dismiss him. I know him well, and I am constantly impressed by his strength and caring and humor.
I bumped into a woman he knows and told him we’d talked about him, which we had. He wanted to know if I’d told her about us, which I hadn’t. We’re technically just friends right now, and I’ve not seen him romantically since he got sick 6 weeks ago, though I have seen him twice. In my desire to help him get back on his feet . . . I mentioned him to BP who now wants to hire him. Which only complicates everything, but he wouldn’t be working for me . . . So I saw him then for the first time in nearly a month. Then I saw him at his birthday party. I was very sick, fever, and a ton of work to do, but I went for 30 minutes. Long enough for a little quality time and for some of his friends to meet me and then back home.
It meant a lot to him that I went, and I just claimed to be his friend. He remained silent as well, so of course, one of his friends tweeted about meeting me, and then hit on me about a week later, which I told YM.
I reached out to LP, who I still adore, even after our breakup in August, on the first anniversary of my reaching out to him when we started dating. I am still awfully conflicted about him, which deserves its own post, but he’s out of town, but was nice when I reached out.
BFD is pondering a reconciliation with me as things stabilize. Whatever.
N is dating BFD’s ex, unbeknownst to him.
TNG and I are talking again. He seems to have forgiven me. I even called him after 10 pm tonight to talk about our evening on Saturday in which we both ate so much and so richly I became violently ill at 130 in the morning, and he was sick in bed all Sunday. (Totally worth it, best meal ever.) I am slowly inviting him to things again and he is being my friend. I teased him that he’s the only man I know who is completely immune to my charms . . . and he told me pointedly, he’s not immune. But at the end of our night, I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. He made no move for anything else. I do still like him.
Hell, I still like all of them. Everyone, even BFD, has his pluses and minuses. What surprises me romantically is that I like YM as much as I do. Everyone who knows both of us cannot believe we’re dating and I here frequently that I should be dating someone more appropriate, more on my level, etc. But I like him, and I like how he treats me. His playboy persona get get a little grating at times, especially when it appears he’s flirting with other women … but I know him and I know that’s part of who he is. We have discussed it and he apologizes when he knows he’s gone too far.
At this point, I am so focused on work that I don’t have time to focus on anything else. That’s a good thing.
One of the amazing things that has happened to me recently is that I’ve made a handful or more of wonderful new friends, mostly women, but a couple of happily married men, too. It’s nice to have new friends blending in with my friends W, E, and Jerk Face.
Despite all the pain and trauma and poverty, I am actually quite happy. I’ve had a couple of bad days, but things are generally okay and, more importantly, I am happy. There are good things happening and I can endure the bad ones.
I promise I will be writing more (probably in shorter posts!), as I miss the daily interaction and the daily journal.