Behind the scenes, things have been super-stressful, which leads, inevitably, to weight loss. In two days, I dropped 4.2 pounds. I’ve been eating — sorta — but I am now at 110.8.

My preferred floor beyond which I do not drop is 113.

So I kinda freaked the fuck out today … mainly because I liked how I looked and didn’t want to gain back. Because I legitimately have an ed and body dysmorphia, when I know I am possibly sliding into trouble, I tell people I trust and I rely on their opinions, as I don’t trust myself to know if I look unhealthy.

I called my cousin T who told me to eat a burger, no bun, as she knows me, and threatened to call A, my exSO who has known me for 10 years. Excellent emotional blackmail.

I called YM, knowing alerting him to my crazy-crazy was potentially destabilizing, but he’s seen me
10 pounds heavier over the past two months. So I confessed. He is really womdeful. He was calm and said well you record your weight daily, so I know it’s a concern. We spoke for an hour and he was not judgmental and very supportive. I told him I was empowering him to tell me if he thought I looked unhealthy. He told me he would do that anyway. (When I saw him tonight, he said as I was leaving “you look good but on the cusp.”)

My last call was to W, who freaked out. (and insisted we grocery shop late tonight.)

So I am okay right now but I am hyper-aware and now three others are too.

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