I have a cold, allergies, a stress fracture, and a crush on another ridiculously busy guy. So, small victories feel good.

Work is great. I have interesting stuff coming down the pike, big projects, high profile stuff I love. The money: here, but tight. I feel like I am on the razor’s edge again and I am treading water, but it’s so so so much better than before. I am waiting on some big things to close, as usual.

My weight is up a bit more than I’d like. It’s a source of ongoing tension and I am finally at a weight that everyone thinks looks good (123), and I cannot stand it. So, I am back to losing weight (already back to 120) and aiming for 113-118.

At the weight I am now, I am a 2, but I don’t like the shape of my body. The dysmorphia thing is real and people I am close to are aware that it’s an issue, and blah blah blah. It’s interesting how many of the women in my circle of friends deal with the same issue. It may be a function of the world in which we live or maybe we’re driven to live more social or public lives because we’re keenly aware of our images. I have no idea, but across age, education, lifestyle, many of my friends are wildly dysmorphic. We help each other because we understand the signals, we hear the words, and we know how to respond. We also don’t judge.

Romance is all over the board. FM often says to me, as we are in bed, his famous “we’re totally seeing other people, right?” And we are seeing each  other people. I am sort of dating BFD. I am technically dating PR. LP checks in and leaves and I’ve not seen him, despite his making plans to the contrary since Thanksgiving.

BFD is waiting for my life to settle down. We broke up for the right reasons, but we’ve never fully disconnected. I could see us still ending up together, as can he,  and neither of us is rushing to figure that out.

PR, I am technically dating though I’ve not seen him in 2.5 weeks as his company is currently expanding while his band is recording. (Yes, I know.) Still, we talk and flirt from a distance and we have plans for when his head reemerges above water. I miss him. I miss his face. I miss kissing him and I really miss waking up next to him with his body wrapped around mine. But I mostly miss being with him in public, I miss how he looks at me, I miss how he holds me tightly as we stand together. He’s possessive of me, proud to be with me, and loves that I am his girl (when I am with him). I am falling in love with his brain. The longer we’re apart, the more I appreciate how amazing he is. I’ll be seeing him next week at a show, and I am really excited about it.

LP is just a fantasy. Rather, I am a fantasy for him. He pops up every couple of weeks over text or email quite intensely, and then disappears off to another city, to continue being the amazing professional he is. At this point, it doesn’t affect me.

FM went to a bar last night solo . . . I am ill and I didn’t feel like going out, neither did the rest of our crew . . . and ended up at a party, at which he met a girl. (I heartily approve.) He was telling me all about it, and he was so happy about it. He was describing where he was, and he said, oh, it’s right near where we were on . . . I guess our first date. We both chuckled. Our first date was not a date, it was a dual bar-hopping bacchanal that ended with us making out in a banquette at that bar, and then in a cab, and then in bed.  FM is very unhappy in a lot of big ways. He’s recently divorced. He has a kid who lives elsewhere. The love of his life/ex-gf is dealing with personal and medical issues and they’re not able to connect on any but the most superficial level. He told me about something upsetting involving her late last night as we sat on the sofa, and I saw tears in his eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, or buried my head in his chest and rubbed the back of his neck, and just held him. We slept apart, which is beginning to feel strange. He teased me for leaving a nightgown in his room the night before, and I am always leaving something — hair bands, nightgowns, whatever.

Key to feeling good: looking good. Though money is tight, I made a few very smart purchases from sephora and the samples alone felt worth it. I bought my foundation, which lasts forever (philosophy, the supernatural), my makeup forever hd kit (with primer, elixir, and the refining powder that makes me look like I have good skin), a makeup kit from Stila (4 good shadows and a lip/cheek stain), an exfoliating lip gloss, a cleanser, some hair accessories, and 13 moisturizing product samples. I could have bought new mascara, eye liner, etc., but I love what I got and it felt important to splurge just a little.

I got my hair done a couple of weeks ago — it had been since August — and just having that is a boost. I could have done my own color, I suppose, but my colorist is amazing and it was worth it.

Advertisements