I am in love.
Simple fact, hard reality.
I am in love with a man I’ve seen a dozen times in my life, to be generous, who I hadn’t seen since August, when we were both upset, but claimed we were okay. I told him then, you know how I feel. And that was it.
LP and I are never really apart. We are in touch usually weekly, a random text here or there. Sometimes, he tells me how much he wants to see me; sometimes, he asks me out; sometimes, he sends pictures; sometimes, it’s just how are you?
He’s me — but somehow more damaged and more intense. I just looked back at some old posts, to see if I had described him accurately before and I found this post from Novemeber, 2009, as I was acknowledging how I felt. Our first date overview was here and I mentioned it to my girlfriend in the car as we left drinks with LP last night.
It has gone sideways so many times, and yet, we love each other, still. And we’re never quite able to let the other go.
I’ve been dating. Hell, I’ve had relationships in the 2+ years since we met — BFD (again), TNG, YM, FM, PR. But I’ve never forgotten him. I joke that we never broke up, but we actually never broke up. We never did.
I am in love and I am okay.
I was a bit weepy last night because the fact that I love him, that he loves me, changes nothing in our lives. But it is what it is.
As usual, I want to jump back forward and backward in time because the reality of how I feel about him is more important to me somehow than a simple narrative description of what happened. What happened, set against a backdrop of other men, other relationships, tensions, work success, work failure, etc.
It all plays in and I am a fool for failing to publish a lot of what has happened as it’s all in a dialog between me and you, who still read me on occasion.
So, LP, I’ve loved for so long it’s hard to remember when I didn’t love him.
I kissed him goodbye and I knew I’d not see him again for months, despite how perfect tonight had been. Despite how perfect or perhaps because of how perfect, I knew deeply we’d be apart for months.
It’s okay because at some point, we will get it right.