This weekend has led to some important decisions: I am moving on and I am going to start dating again.
Those two things look a little silly on the blank page. I date a bit already, I’ve been in significant relationships and I’ve been openly and notoriously dating a couple of people.
But LP has always been in my heart and I’ve never moved on. The joke from me to my friends has always been that we never broke up.
Because we hadn’t.
And yet we are not together.
Seeing him on Friday was intensely painful for so many reasons, most of which were that I miss him so intensely it hurts. And there he was…
I said and did something stupid and he has not forgiven me. I apologized twice immediately in text. No response. But he did send me words all day. This is his way of talking to me. Our epic never-ending wwf battle that’s been going on for weeks.
When I told him “I miss you” he said “I talk to you every day” he meant words with friends. And he does. It’s become a beautiful thing and I know when he plays a word he’s thinking of me.
And yet, we are not together because he’s not ready. And I know it. And it hurts.
I am ready to be in a relationship again. And he’s not. So, it’s time to set aside my feelings for him and move on to a healthier — if lesser — relationship.
I am worried a bit that I won’t find the right person, but I usually do. I met PR, who is another in my list of most eligible bachelors in town. The fact that I messed it up — and then someone swept in — well, we are actually still talking and even that’s not over.
But I need to work on me a little. I have been all surface for a while and I need to reconnect to me. I have amazing friends and a beautiful life in so many ways. I just need to get back in control of it all.
Also, I intentionally gained some weight at the request of my friends and now I need to drop it.
These decisions feel big and important: writing more, focusing inward more, relaunching a diet to drop 10 vanity pounds, and starting to date again.
Here we go …