At one point this afternoon, I was laughing on the phone with BFD about the dinner we are cohosting and helping him with a business thing, while getting word after word from LP.

It was absurd that I am still so deeply connected to them both.

That gravitational pull… it’s never left. We are whatever we are, but we are still in each other’s lives.

BFD loves and trusts me with everything, and yet we are not together.

LP loves me, in his way, as much as he can. He loves me, but can’t be with me for reasons that have to do with him, and not with me.

But I continue to be connected to them in big ways, which are often expressed through small things.

BFD calls me 4-5 times a week and we cohost regular dinner parties together. LP … sends me words.

When I said to him sincerely on Friday “I miss you” he responded kindly and firmly “we talk every day.” He meant “words.” That’s how he stays engaged with me.

It’s small, but to him, it means a lot.