I heard from LP today for the first time in weeks. I got a word from him in WWF (5 day delay). I followed up with a quick text and got a response.  That was it.  Worst non-boyfriend ever.

BFD called me to ask about a restaurant. I invited him to me my plus 1 at a gala next weekend, but he had to decline because he’s going to be gone for a whole week — business, friends, and seeing that woman. He was excited about my invitation, and loved that, for once, he would be a guest.  It occurred to me as we spoke that I might not see him for two weeks, which is sort of bumming me out. I’ve gotten used to seeing him regularly, to being quite spoiled by him, to having fun with him.  We did confirm two adventures we have planned, and we’re both excited about them.

FM broke up with me last night, which is a little hard to explain as we’re not dating and he has a long-distance girlfriend.  But we spent all night talking about our relationship that we’ve been in since October/November.  It was, actually, a lovely and loving conversation.

We have always known we were romantically incompatible, but we’ve also known we’ve been in a relationship.

It has been a non-traditional relationship, to be sure. But we do love each other.  He said to me several times, the sex part, was the least essential part . . . you’re my best friend and I love you . . . we’re still in a relationship, we’re just not going to be sleeping together.

We were with each other through very bad times and we’ve enjoyed the closeness that our residential proximity has brought.  Nearly all of our friends know about our relationship, but we have kept it quiet to outsiders or new friends.

I teased him last night about our first breakup, during which I stormed off, so angry I left my card behind on a holiday weekend. But the next afternoon, we were at a party and were cordial and our friendship continued on. We reconnected weeks later briefly, after I’d met PR, after I’d been dating PR.  During that long period when PR was traveling for business (and recording an album), FM and I started spending nearly every night sleeping in his bed. It just felt normal for us.

Over time, we cut back on the nights we spent together.  He would often ask me about the other men in my life — BFD, LP, PR, and N — and the random young, very handsome men I would meet and hang out with at bars.  He is a bit of an enigma, even after 11 months, even after more than 7 months of living together.  His background, his lifestyle, his issues, all of them combine to make him a really unusual combination of a hard-partying, conservative guy.  When he goes sideways, he goes sideways hard.  Our biggest fights have happened when I’ve been out with other men or when he’s been anxiety-filled because of his relationships.  He’s such a narcissist he is incapable of understanding anything beyond himself.  What he doesn’t understand, he rejects.  It’s irritating, of course, but he’s kinda and good-hearted and a lot of fun.

FM is a force of nature and he drags everyone he knows onto the stage on which he lives.  He’s public, so we’re public.  People in other countries pay attention to what I do because of him.  It’s weird.  It’s flattering, to be sure, but weird.  I’ve dated actual famous men before — athletes, politicians, musicians — but this is different.

So, my secret relationship is over — for now, as we’ve broken up frequently, and perhaps forever.  He joked about my being the best friend with benefit ever; and I used our old joke about the fact that we were just target practice, but he corrected me that this was always far more than that. Which it might have been for him, but it wasn’t really for me.

I love FM, but it was an easy situation for me.  I am not sorry we’ve decided to end it completely.  I have often wondered if I wouldn’t have been more actively dating other people (and I’ve certainly dated other people the whole time) if I hadn’t had the security and certainty of him in my life.  But the reality is I am more social because of him, more active because of him, and I would not have changed anything I’ve done since PR and I stopped seeing each other.

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