I have made a big decision that seems so obvious I could kick my own ass for not realizing it before.
I have decided to become my own client. Rather, I have already become my own client, bringing my brainpower to focus on developing a plan for me, as I already do for others.
I know what I want, finally. I have figured out, finally, where I was happiest in life professionally. I have figured out, finally, which of my skills I want to use.
More importantly, I have figured out, finally, that I need to put myself first and exert actual control over my life.
It sounds facile, but the control issues I have been having, in fact, all of the issues I have been having, have been pointing me to the right answer all along. We just never see what’s right in front of us.
I have been filling my days with unnecessary nonsense and never feeling as I should. I have been anesthetizing myself rather than confronting the reality that I have no idea if I am still capable of being happy. Not happy in transient moments, that’s easy. Happy in life is much harder. Am I still capable of being happy in life? That’s been the heart of a discussion BFD and I have had for months and months. It’s also been the heart of a discussion or two the Bon Vivant and I have had.
I missed out — most likely — on the chance to have biological children. I am aging and single. I am poor. These are my realities. Happiness — true, fundamental happiness, feels far away, especially as I am so far from my family and the things I truly care about.
But, I have hope. I really do. I am hopeful that I can find happiness and fulfillment.
This is all quite delicate and I am anxious to say too much about it at the moment, but I have decided to find what makes me happy, build a plan to get there, marshall my resources, and commit to building a real life again.
A new new new plan, one might say.