I have made a big decision that seems so obvious I could kick my own ass for not realizing it before.

I have decided to become my own client.  Rather, I have already become my own client, bringing my brainpower to focus on developing a plan for me, as I already do for others.

I know what I want, finally.  I have figured out, finally, where I was happiest in life professionally.  I have figured out, finally, which of my skills I want to use.

More importantly, I have figured out, finally, that I need to put myself first and exert actual control over my life.

It sounds facile, but the control issues I have been having, in fact, all of the issues I have been having, have been pointing me to the right answer all along.  We just never see what’s right in front of us.

I have been filling my days with unnecessary nonsense and never feeling as I should.  I have been anesthetizing myself rather than confronting the reality that I have no idea if I am still capable of being happy.  Not happy in transient moments, that’s easy.  Happy in life is much harder.  Am I still capable of being happy in life?  That’s been the heart of a discussion BFD and I have had for months and months.  It’s also been the heart of a discussion or two the Bon Vivant and I have had.

I missed out — most likely — on the chance to have biological children.  I am aging and single.  I am poor.  These are my realities.  Happiness — true, fundamental happiness, feels far away, especially as I am so far from my family and the things I truly care about.

But, I have hope.  I really do.  I am hopeful that I can find happiness and fulfillment.

This is all quite delicate and I am anxious to say too much about it at the moment, but I have decided to find what makes me happy, build a plan to get there, marshall my resources, and commit to building a real life again.

A new new new plan, one might say.