The love life is exactly where it’s been for a while.
I am dating no one and everyone. I am bored, but there is potential. I am alone.
I am alone by choice-ish.
The Bon Vivant
I miss BV. I think he’s on a business trip. We’ve not been in touch since Saturday. This is not unusual. It feels like he’s gone for a bit, too, but that could be my pms. We had a text exchange on Saturday that was weird, but very BV. FM and I discussed it and agreed that it was weird, but not done. But he’s been pissed at me for a week because of C and he was right to be angry, so I am okay with the separation.
It may be permanent.
And that would be sad, but okay, too.
A couple of days after I started writing this, I am even more convinced it’s permanent. I sent him a text thanking him for providing inspiration . . . no response.
Also on Saturday, I went to see PR.
He was playing at a party, a hundred people, our friends. I brought a date, who they referred to as “cheekbones.” After I said to PR and his girl’s best guy friend, who is also my very good friend, who’d shown up to see me, well, he’s really handsome and he has these great cheekbones . . . which he does. He’s dazzlingly handsome. He’s just . . . not smart. Anyway, the date leaves after their show.
I’d had food poisoning on Friday morning, after I’d been out with cheekbones and our friends at a party on Thursday night.
So, I hadn’t eaten anything but a handful of peanuts in two days.
I decided, instead, to drink beer. I was starving, but I was watching my wallet and my figure. I had a cocktail when cheekbones and I met, and then we ended up walking over to the nightclub where PR was playing. They were all backstage, so we stood around for about 10 minutes before they came down along with the girlfriend of PR’s best friend.
We are a tight little group, despite the fact PR and I broke up months ago and he has dated two women (the famous entrepreneur and his own ex-girlfriend, who has become a close friend) since then. I continued to hang out after the great humiliation of him dating someone else so publicly while he was dating me, proving I was bigger than the circumstances, and, over time, it’s been very rewarding.
The hard thing with PR is that we genuinely like each other and sort of hit pause on the first woman, knowing we would be reconciling. If a number of circumstances had not occurred the assumption had been we’d resume our relationship. But instead, his ex-girlfriend befriended me and became a really close friend. And they reconciled as she was moving 3 hours away, and then I didn’t think much else about it until he hit on me in front of her at her going away party, and then again at my birthday party the next week, and then when he kissed me backstage at one of his shows, etc.
So, I am still the bigger person and all of his friends have become my friends, which is only a little awkward because they are also friends with his girl PRX (unclear if their relationship is exclusive), although none of them have ever really liked them together, but that’s neither here nor there.
When he was onstage, I was with his best bandmate’s gf, his best friend PR Jr. and his girl, and my date. We were drinking steadily. The show was great. Once they were done, we talked to them and adjourned to the middle bar. My date decided he was leaving, but I begged off. It was midnight and the party was just starting.
I stood with PR and my good guy friend who is PRX’s best guy friend and they teased me about my date . . . very handsome, but not very smart, and PR was buying drinks. We wandered to the larger part of the club where there were now hundreds of people and stood and talked. The whole time, I am with our crew, but it’s simply at this point in history accepted that we hang out together when we are together. And that we’re close. Everyone knows that we like each other, and we’re not exactly subtle about it. But we’re also not dating, and everyone knows that, too. I have no status among these people at all, except as an individual who they can’t quite believe dated PR.
I end up taking pictures and we’re all playing and having a great time.
To be honest, I don’t remember a ton of this part. PR wanders and then wanders back. He has become my defacto date and we are laughing and talking with the crew. As usual, everyone but the core group drifts off.
We end up leaving the venue, and I remember standing in front of a food trailer at 215 am, which is when PRX’s best guy friend jumped in cab, as he said later “I needed to catch a cab before I could start making bad decisions.”
I do not know, as this was via text, whether this is a pointed comment about my bad decisions.
After the food trailer, from which we did not get food, PR and I stumbled off together in the direction of his building. He lives 8 blocks south. I do not recall our walking conversation, or if we were kissing. I assume we were. We always do. What I do remember is sitting with him on a bench in a park as we negotiate the end of the evening.
I remember a couple of snippets of the conversation. I know we were kissing. I believe I was making a case for staying over. He made the case for my cabbing home. He was right of course. We talked about what we know . . . we genuinely like each other. But we can’t be together. I don’t think we were explicit about PRX. In fact, I assume we were not. We both know.
Regardless, I go home in a cab, walk in still very drunk, and walk into FM’s room, ostensibly to see if he is home, but I am bored and lonely. He’s asleep and growls at me.
I head to my own room next door and text PR twice: “Home. Safe and Sound.” “Best escort ever…”
He responds back immediately: “Dear Jesus Mary chain Joseph. Sleep tight.”
The next day, I felt pretty awful about the whole thing. It took hours for me to get around to apologizing. But, I knew I had to. Though I didn’t know exactly what I had done, I knew it was bad.
I had friends from our crew check in throughout the day and all of us were destroyed. It was rather amusing, or would have been, had I not been intensely humiliated.
Finally, I texted PR: “I am incapable of remembering more than a few seconds from last night, but what I do remember is awful. You have my deepest and most humble apologies.”
I was surprised to receive a quick response from him: “Ha. Don’t sweat it darling. We’re good.”
And, we are good.
We are good friends. We have an undeniable — to us or anyone else — chemistry. We are incapable of leaving each other completely alone, despite our best intentions.
Our friends have all been cool about it. To be honest, his friends probably assume we’re sleeping together. We’re not. We haven’t since long before we split up in March. My friends know we’re not.
Our chemistry has always been ridiculous and it’s always been public, so my friends assume that at some point we will cross that line and then there will be consequences. There would be consequences if we ever did. We won’t. We will continue to dance on the line. It’s who we are and how we met in the first place. But, we have drawn a firm line, and we have not crossed it. Not when he has hit on me. Not when I have hit on him. We just know that we genuinely like each other. We are extremely attracted to each other. And we are not together.
Perhaps the most surprising part of all of the boy stuff is that FM and I are really and truly done. Even when neither of us is sleeping with anyone else, we’re still done. It’s good. We are completely platonic.
BFD is still my most important relationship. I’ve not been completely honest with him. In fact, I’ve been somewhat avoiding him for a few weeks until he made me deal with him on Monday. He picked me up, we ran an errand together, from which we both benefit, and he picked up lunch for me. He broke up with the woman he was seeing. Rather, they broke up, no idea who or what happened.
He kissed me when I left, and I have no idea what, if anything, the future may hold for us.
On Thursday, I had a nice first date at my favorite wine place. He picked up the check. I had two glasses of wine, he had more. We ate great food. I told him I had fun on the date. I’ve not heard back. (It was just last night.)
I then joined an arts group happy hour. The president has a crush on me and has asked me out, and then never followed up. I hung out with him and his friends for a long time until I got a text from FM and left to save myself cab fare.
I have a few dates next week, but none I am super excited about. Except that I will probably see PR at some point next weekend at a festival we are both attending.
I keep dating because I should. My primary focus is on myself, but I need to keep out there. I enjoy dating. I miss being in a relationship.
As I have often told those closest to me, I can survive heartbreak.
So, nothing ventured, nothing gained.