The Bon Vivant is terrible at communication.
He doesn’t keep his phone close at hand, he never knows what day it is, he doesn’t answer his texts, he is not active on facebook or twitter.
Last Tuesday, he told me he loved me, he kissed me goodbye, he threw his luggage into a cab, and he headed off to the airport. He told me he’d call me when he cleared security.
I’ve not heard from him.
It’s been 6 days.
I am okay with not hearing from him while he’s gone. He went home from a reason: to relax, to recover, to detox from life. I encouraged him to leave. I encouraged him to leave, fearing that I might never hear from him again.
While he has been gone, I have been afraid he’s actually in town — on a bender — or ensconced in his dark bedroom, too depressed to move. I have thought about him every day.
He was supposed to have been home last night.
I’ve heard nothing.
He had told me he would be in touch while he was gone. He was not. Again, I am okay with that. BV is dealing with a lot of shit right now and I am okay with him focusing on himself.
But, it’s beginning to drive me mad. I do not know if he is here. I do not know if he is okay.
I do not know whether we are seeing each other.
Philosophically, it’s fine whether we are seeing each other or not and figuring it out over time, except I am a socialite with a busy calendar.
That sounds awful, but it’s true.
I had to rsvp for a party for a week from Friday, declaring my plus 1. I . . . added his name.
I put me + the Bon Vivant, which means that I will be humiliated when I end up bringing FM or one of my girlfriends or a real date, and having a door girl cross off BV and scribble in some one else . . . humiliating. But manageable. I can always bring my friend the Software Developer.
I am cohosting SD’s birthday party on Friday with C, and I want to BV to be my date. BV, if he’s available, would want to be my date. He and SD are friends — or would be, if SD weren’t terrified of what would happen if BV and SD hung out unchaperoned by me. He knows BV well enough to know that the combination of the two of them . . . I am not sure our town could survive. He referred to BV as the honey badger, which he totally is (as in, he don’t give a shit) and said, no, he did not want BV’s phone number, when I offered it. BV is trouble and SD is smart enough to know it.
Anyway, it’s SD party on Friday and I want BV to come with me. BV would want to come if he is in town. But, how do I tell him if he is silent?
Also, Thanksgiving is Thursday. If he’s here, we should do dinner somewhere.
Also, I doing a little movie night on Wednesday for about 20 people with RA.
Also, I MISS HIM.
Also, I have no idea if we’re seeing each other.
I don’t know why I feel so whiny about it, but I do.
Essentially, everything is as it was when he left. We hit pause again. He went home to get well. I am giving him some space, but I do not want him to feel alone, as he’s not.
I should reach out to him tonight to ask him to the party. I want to call him to ask, “are you home?” “are you okay?” and eventually “are we okay?”
I need to figure out the best approach. But the best approach is likely “thinking of you. hope you’re doing well. want to see you when you’re back in town . . . plus we’re having a party on Friday for SD!” Or something. Or something.
But I also think I am okay if I wait to talk to him until tomorrow. If I give him a chance to decompress.
BV’s plan was to fly into the big city 90 minutes away from where his parents live, check into the airport hyatt regency, spend the night, shower, shave off the lazy beard he was wearing, clean himself up, and then be ready to face his family. I can only imagine he needed the same transition coming back, if he came back. He might still be gone. His parents may have convinced him to stay through Thanksgiving. He deliberately underpacked. He would buy anything else he needed of course, but he was convinced, 6 days/5 nights. He’d be back Sunday.
I will text him tomorrow. I will invite him to SD’s party. I will invite him to Thanksgiving. I will invite him to movie night.
When he’s back in my life . . . assuming he’s back in my life . . . I will need to be a stabilizing influence for him. An anchor. I need to give him something solid and true. It’s why I am in his life. It’s why he is in mine.
I give him a calendar and parties and a social life. He has some of that. One of the photos on his facebook was a wedding when he was a groomsman this year. He has friends. But he has friends who depend on him, friends who need him to be the party guy, the louche playboy day drinking at our finest establishments. I have friends who run companies or empires. I have friends who sit on charitable boards of our city’s cultural institutions.
FM is a well-known writer and entrepreneur. PR is the founder of a creative company with multiple offices. SD is an important software developer other friends of ours keep trying to hire. BFD is a mogul who originally retired at 35. My girlfriends are all business owners or corporate directors.
My friends are different from his friends. He loves my friends. We go to art openings, boutique openings, punk shows, ballets and symphonic performances. Actually, I go to those things. When I told him before I first spent the night at his place that I was going to a season-opening performance with BFD and four friends, including C, his response was perfect: “You know, I have a tuxedo.”
BV is an elegant man, with a closet I envy. He has beautiful clothing. But I have only seen him in shorts, jeans, or pajamas in a collection of vintage t-shirts.
One of you commented on an early BV post, positing that BV is actually gay. He’s not, but it’s certainly possible that he sleeps with men. He’s young, he’s handsome, he has flexible boundaries on everything else, so why not sexuality. I would actually be surprised if he hadn’t experimented at some point. In our world, it’s just not a big deal. I’ve said the same thing about PR and about LP. I would actually be surprised if they’d never slept with men. PR had joked about it. LP was LP.
But, I do love that his reaction about my attending a season-opening show at our performing arts center, and then a board reception on the night I first spent at his house was, “you know, I have a tuxedo.” He’s a part of my world, but the people he is surrounding himself with are not. By spending time with my friends, he’s reconnecting to the parts of himself he’s having trouble finding.
I am confident that if he comes back, I will be able to help him. He helps me. He is young, handsome, fun, and funny. Being with him is enthralling and filled with adventure.
Last Monday, I had fun, pushing boundaries. Being with him is somewhat a vacation. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to plan. I just have to be there, loving him, with him loving me. I think back to when I threw a cranky fit in front of him at a restaurant weeks ago. I was just awful and he took care of everything, he managed me. He didn’t hold a grudge, he didn’t punish me, he just managed through it. He made it easy.
I am a healthy element in his life. I accidentally recorded about 15 seconds of a conversation we had. Well, my part of it. My head was foggy and I was trying to take a photo from his balcony. He was on the sofa, shirtless, in pajama pants, looking for flights home. I see a flash of him and toward the end I hear his voice. We both sound awful, we both look awful. I said to him at one point later as we got ready, wow, I look really rough. He didn’t disagree, saying, with everything you’ve been through, you actually look pretty good. I looked pale and drawn. But the flash of him on the sofa, and the sound of my voice as I am trying to figure out how to work my stupid phone’s camera, remind me so strongly of that night and the next day.
I miss him, obviously, but I am rather certain I will see him again at some point. Going back through my BV posts, this is just part of our relationship.
Tomorrow, I will reach out to him and at some point he will reach back. It’s what we do and writing all of this out has given me some perspective.