Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but being on my own, it feels like something to endure rather than enjoy.
Last year, I was supposed to be with BFD, but he canceled on me last minute and I wound up with FM and YM and a bunch of friends. The year before I tagged along with JerkFace to do an orphan thanksgiving.
Tomorrow, I am doing dinner with my girlfriend RA and her family. Or at least, that’s the plan. BFD and I are talking about doing something, but I know he’ll bail. On Friday, I am cohosting SD’s birthday party. On Sunday, I am doing “family brunch” with my friends for the first time in months.
At some point, BV will be back. He is, still, with his family, which makes me ridiculously happy for him. It means he’s getting healthy. His father is a psychiatrist, and who better to help a son dealing with ennui (or depression) than someone who can actually help. And prescribe meds.
I am enduring this holiday by working on things I want to do. I am cleaning my place, which is a fucking disaster. It’s a condo housing two adults and a sheddy dog. I still have my ex’s things here clogging up my closets. When I caused the flood downstairs, I just tried to persevere and endure, but it got to be too much. At some point, I just fell apart and everything stopped mattering.
So, I am spending this holiday getting my head and my life together and giving myself the space to do it. I know it’s a process and it’s one I’ve been engaged in for a while. I told BFD and he was supportive. He has no idea how bad things are, and how bad they’ve been. He knows there is a lot I am not telling him. I am going to be coming clean to him and to some others.
I have been carrying all of this on my own two shoulders for a while and it’s more than I can bear.
I’ve not even told all of you the source of my crisis and pain. I am, for the first time, admitting just how bad things have been. So, BV and the rest of my dating life have been a lovely respite from the hell. Spending a couple of days there every week or two means a break from the stress and anxiety of being home.
But, it’s time to deal with all of it. I told Jerk Face last week about what I am going through, and W. I am telling BFD this weekend. Everyone knows there is something wrong, they just haven’t known what.
Now is the time to put everything as it should be. I am working on new income prospects, new workflow, new everything. I am fixing myself from the inside out. I am tackling the bad stuff and dealing with it.
The only thing to now overcome: tackling thanksgiving with an eating disorder. There are choices I make so I can maintain my weight. Tonight, instead of going out with FM and SD, I had wine with my best girlfriend RA. Not dinner. We snacked on sausage she’d sauteed. In other words, it was perfect, especially because I am sitting at 122 and concerned about gaining weight. I am still higher than my lowest, super-unhealthy 109. I’d prefer 115-118, but I am okay at this weight. Just not higher.
With her, we have a judgment-free zone. We tell each other everything. Things you’d never tell anyone, we tell each other. I told about my night with BV, especially the parts I’ve only alluded to here. I showed her a couple of his photos on facebook.
She told me details about something in her life, something she’d confessed to me last week, knowing I was the only person she could tell.
We create and recreate families from the people in our lives. I am so lucky that RA is in mine. She’s amazing. And her opening her home to us is just lovely.
And I am continuing to work on getting my life together here. I am doing little things, but those little things do add up.