It’s been an interesting week, and the first week I can remember in which I have failed to have a single date.
Technically, I am dating a few people, all of whom are out of town. In reality, I have no idea.
I am currently obsessed with BV. He is still home with his family, which is excellent. We’ve exchanged a couple of perfunctory texts. I finally received a reply back from him when I asked if he was “still passing the open windows?” His response was “With Dad.” Which is great. Dad is a doctor and they’re very close and dialed in. It also means, presumably, he’s been drug-free since the morning he left. At least recreational drugs.
The current source of my obsession: his facebook page. Before I confirmed he was still with family, I looked for signs of life. He added the bi-polar girl as a friend (the add he has since deleted from his page, though all the rest of his friend adds are up) and she posted something to his wall, a cartoon. It’s interesting as presumably, she blocked him, and then added him again as they had been facebook friends.
He pays attention to the impact what he does has on me. His confession at my favorite bar that they’d reconnected was told through the prism not of his hurt, but of how it would make me feel.
He is aware, I think, that I have an online life. If he checks my page at all, which he probably does, he sees photos of me posted quite regularly. The photos are of me, out, with my friends. I tend to be the photographer among our crew, so that I am not in the pictures.
I am not concerned that they are facebook friends. I am concerned about him. When she told him she never wanted to speak to him again, it devastated him because it was so random and crazy. He’d told me she’d done it early on in our dating. And, I will be honest, I had no idea just how close in time that event was to when we met.
I, like BV, am incapable of processing how you can love someone and then close them out of your life when the relationship fails. Almost every relationship fails for one reason or another. With the great exception for abuse or unhealthy stuff, there is no reason to cut a person out of your life just because you’re no longer dating. And BV is a man who is so open and loving that he was mystified and mentioned it to me late one night at his place.
He’s not the boyfriend, he’s not boyfriend material, I know. But, I do love him and care for him.
Also not boyfriend material: the college professor or the friend of a friend. I was in touch with both of them during the holiday, but they’re both still out of town. I had invited the friend of a friend over last night as FM was spending the night with a new chick, but he’s still with family. The college professor is super-quirky. He’s handsome, with a body you would not believe, but he’s just quirky and completely incapable of managing a relationship.
Were I smart, I’d date other people, but I am tired of dating.
Of course, typing that made me surf over to the dating website we’re all on, which also got me hit on by a woman.
I know what I am looking for in a partner: someone intelligent and well-educated, who loves art and music, who is as comfortable in a movie theater as in a concert hall as in a dive bar, who is independent and open-minded, who sees beauty in life/people/adventure, and who carries himself with confidence.
In short, I am looking for a male version of me. And I have been dating versions of him for years. It’s not that high a bar, I don’t think, as I’ve been dating versions for years. That pesky chemistry thing is important, too, but it’s easier to find than the other things on my list.
The best fits over the past year have been PR and the hedge fund manager, who ultimately rejected me after three excellent dates.
I am in friendzone with every appropriate man I know. SD, the software developer, who I am finding more and more attractive, has me firmly in friend zone. It’s where I’ve had him, too. He and PR went to college together (two years apart) and he has a standing offer to become an exec at PR’s company. Famously, I dated PR and infamously SD had announced he’d never date anyone who dated PR, a notorious playboy. (He has since denied he said it, and certainly denied he meant it.) SD likes me, too, and there is definite chemistry between us, but . . . we’re friends, he has a crush on C, I dated his friends, he loves BV with whom I have a relationship of some sort, and so on and so forth.
I still have a crush on PR, obviously. Also, he still likes me, after gluing himself to my hip two weeks ago and kissing me goodnight. I held him at arm’s length after the ridiculous drunken conversation we’d had three weeks before and he made all the moves to continue to convey his interest and intentions. We, and all of our mutual friends, know it’s just a matter of time before we do something colossally dumb and even more public than him kissing me goodnight in the middle of a music venue/back stage/on a street corner.
I have a couple of other men who have expressed interest and/or frustration with my lack of attentiveness, but no one of real consequence.
For now, I am mostly date-free.