I am making a concerted effort to whittle my 2/4 body back more firmly into the 2 side of the spectrum.
I have been looking at myself in photos and I am not happy with how full my face looks.
I am okay at the weight I am now, but a day or two of restaurant meals and I am up 5 pounds. So, I have decided to lose 5 pounds. Actually, I decided to lose 10 pounds, which puts us in dangerous territory, but the closer I get to where I want to be, the thinner I want to be.
I love being thin. I like being mistaken for an actress. I enjoy being told that I have the body of a dancer. I derive a measure of confidence from being very thin.
It’s been nearly a year since I intentionally gained weight, nearly a year since I chose to gain weight to look “healthier.” But I am not healthier. I was healthier when I was working out 3x per week and weighing in at 113.
I am back to dieting — eliminating unnecessary carbs, eliminating alcohol.
Since SD’s party on Friday, I’ve not had a drink. I stayed in on Saturday and Sunday, skipping brunch with my friends. We skipped our usual Tuesday night fun.
Tomorrow, I am going to the first Christmas party of the season at an elegant downtown hotel. I am my girlfriend RA’s +1. I will most likely have champagne and cake.
I need to lose 3 more pounds.
Eh, that’s wrong. I want to lose 3 more pounds.
And then 5 more after that. And then 2 more after that.
121 to 118 to 113 to 111.
That’s really want I want.
I know that 118 is where I need to stick and hold. It’s thin enough for me and not scary for everyone else.
113 is too thin. 111 is thinner still. 109 got me a pizza delivery, cross-country, when T my beloved cousin could see the bones in my chin in a photo.
So, we’re okay right now. I’ve eaten 4 meals today. The lightest two were 100 and 125 calories. The larger two were probably between 250 and 400 each.
I am eating when I am hungry. I have food in the house. I have money in my wallet. I am eating whole foods — eggs, butter, heavy cream, with my only processed thing as turkey bacon, to which I am addicted. I am eating nuts and cheese.
I am drinking coffee (with cream).
I don’t use any sweeteners, artificial or otherwise.
I drink water.
I am doing pilates, which is easier on my feet than the dance class I was taking before my injuries took over.
I am committed to getting my body back and to looking my best for the balance of the year.