I am making a concerted effort to whittle my 2/4 body back more firmly into the 2 side of the spectrum.

I have been looking at myself in photos and I am not happy with how full my face looks.

I am okay at the weight I am now, but a day or two of restaurant meals and I am up 5 pounds.  So, I have decided to lose 5 pounds.  Actually, I decided to lose 10 pounds, which puts us in dangerous territory, but the closer I get to where I want to be, the thinner I want to be.

I love being thin.  I like being mistaken for an actress.  I enjoy being told that I have the body of a dancer.  I derive a measure of confidence from being very thin.

It’s been nearly a year since I intentionally gained weight, nearly a year since I chose to gain weight to look “healthier.”  But I am not healthier.  I was healthier when I was working out 3x per week and weighing in at 113.

I am back to dieting — eliminating unnecessary carbs, eliminating alcohol.

Since SD’s party on Friday, I’ve not had a drink.  I stayed in on Saturday and Sunday, skipping brunch with my friends.  We skipped our usual Tuesday night fun.

Tomorrow, I am going to the first Christmas party of the season at an elegant downtown hotel.  I am my girlfriend RA’s +1.  I will most likely have champagne and cake.

I need to lose 3 more pounds.

Eh, that’s wrong.  I want to lose 3 more pounds.

And then 5 more after that.  And then 2 more after that.

121 to 118 to 113 to 111.

That’s really want I want.

I know that 118 is where I need to stick and hold.  It’s thin enough for me and not scary for everyone else.

113 is too thin.  111 is thinner still.  109 got me a pizza delivery, cross-country, when T my beloved cousin could see the bones in my chin in a photo.

So, we’re okay right now.  I’ve eaten 4 meals today.  The lightest two were 100 and 125 calories.  The larger two were probably between 250 and 400 each.

I am eating when I am hungry.  I have food in the house.  I have money in my wallet.  I am eating whole foods — eggs, butter, heavy cream, with my only processed thing as turkey bacon, to which I am addicted.  I am eating nuts and cheese.

I am drinking coffee (with cream).

I don’t use any sweeteners, artificial or otherwise.

I drink water.

I am doing pilates, which is easier on my feet than the dance class I was taking before my injuries took over.

I am committed to getting my body back and to looking my best for the balance of the year.

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