I have been toying with the title of this post . . .

Is it one step back or two?

We have gone backward since my cautiously hopeful thoughts on Thursday and early Friday. The only real question is “how far?”

When we signed off at 630 am, he told me he’d be sleeping until at least 1 and, at that point, we’d decide which thing we would do: (1) the party at our favorite spot where he was my plus one, (2) a 50 person birthday party for a friend at a grand opening of a club, or (3) a friend’s band of some renowned heading a benefit.

In other words, three super-cool things to do on a Friday night. All courtesy of his ridiculously well-connected date. Me.

I got a message from him at 11:15 am Friday morning: “im out of commision for awhile. feel like hell.”

Unsurprising, but disappointing.

I made other plans for Friday: I went with C and HB for a girls night at the Chef’s restaurant. Chef and I had each decided “friend zone” that morning and he admitted in addition to his crush on me, he had crushes on them. We had an AMAZING meal. He sent over 6 apps we didn’t order, an extra entree, two desserts, and a round of port. Yikes. He and C connected, with my help. He drove me and C downtown to the birthday party and then joined us after service was finished until 2 am. And then he drove us each home. Chef and I are now very good friends, chatting daily via text, fb chat, etc.

As for BV . . .

Since Friday morning, we’ve exchanged a message or two. I contacted him on Sunday to ask if he were feeling better and if we were still on to watch the game. He told me “watching on the couch with blanket.” And followed up with “maybe next week.”

Our last date of the three we set on Thursday night/Friday morning is tomorrow: at our bar with my/our friends. Also the launch of our first FM prank.

I have not followed up with him about it. I may tomorrow. Today, I am ignoring him.

I am on the list for a show for Saturday night, plus one. PR will be there, as will all of our music friends. My original thought was to excitedly ask BV to be my date. It will be a great show and I’d be introducing him to another group of my friends: the local rock stars with excellent jobs. It gives him a chance to see me around a group of awesome people who really like me and respect me professionally, and they’re really fun, as is he.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’d prefer to keep him and PR separate for now. Were I feeling more confident about our relationship, I’d love to have BV there. For now, a public debut among that group of people . . . the timing is just wrong. Instead, I am hoping to bring SD, who said he’ll let me know if he’s in town.

When I first met BV, I referred to him as “Hot PR” because he is a more classically handsome version of PR. Same body, same thinning hair and hairstyle, same coloring. BV has a handsome face, great jaw, and a life to him that makes him the center of attention in any room. PR is attractive, but BV is BV.

In person, BV owns a room, and I know exactly how it would be to have BV with me. The bandmates and the friends and girlfriends with whom I hang out at the shows would LOVE him. Except PR. But everyone else would find him really fun, as his mode all the time is: “everything is a party.” So being with BV is this infectious level of “this is the best night ever” all the time. He’s full of energy in a crowd, full of a joie de vivre.

[And I just realized that the other times I’ve seen him, the dark times, when he’s been so depressed he’s not gotten out of bed, those are the most important times for us to be together, of course. When we are being quiet and still. I love all of that — the high energy and the dark lows — I see him as the full person he is.  He is not bi-polar, it’s a lifestyle choice, and also a function of some of my same social world.  I need that same recharge time and I fight the same darkness at times.  The more depressed you are, the more you can lighten your mood by going out and having fun.  Sometimes, you need to not be alone in your thoughts . . . ]

The high energy times are not a pretention and they don’t read that way. They read as honest, open, joyful. He wants everyone to be happy in a genuine way you cannot help but join in.

So everyone would love him. We would drink way too much cheap beer. Everyone lives downtown within 4 blocks of this place, so we’d all get home/or to bed safely. We might after party at SD’s or PR’s or BV’s. Around 4 am, BV and I would be in a super-intense conversation and then we’d laugh and eventually we’d go to sleep. It would be amazing. Everyone would have a blast, including us.

And yet . . .

We have two x factors. One is that BV can be super-fucking-intense and his partying can be obviously intense. That’s not a problem, except if he’s my boy and he is clearly a wealthy guy without profession or industry, so my dating an obvious louche playboy makes me look perhaps less serious than I am. Or something. I haven’t really thought about what people think about me when they see me with BV. He looks prosperous and attractive, but in perpetual vacation mode. So, what does that say about me?

The second x factor is really an “ex factor.” PR and I still have a connection, an attraction, and a pattern of behavior. We are always together if we are in the same space, even if we have other people there. He spent all evening with me at my birthday party as PRX was outside smoking. He had hit on me openly (in front of her) at her farewell party the week before. When I brought a date to one of the shows (who left), PR acted as he always does. He was glued to me, despite the fact my friend/PRX’s best guy friend was also with us.

Which is all fine and good, or not, but it is what it is.

Except, I would not want to disrespect BV or destabilize my relationship with him, whatever it is. BV is sensitive enough that he may pick up on any latent or overt weirdness.

As for destabilizing with PR: impossible. In fact, he’d probably just be more overt or try to make out with me down a back hallway. I know him. He’d view BV as a challenge to overcome, not an impediment. Also, PR is dating PRX still, though they only see each other every other month or so. (She lives 3 hours away, so I cannot understand the lengthy separation.)

That BV could be hurt is reason enough to not invite him. Instead, I have invited SD to be my date. BV knows SD. We have all hung out together. It would be fine.

All of this is only a concern because things with BV are really unstable right now. If I had seen him twice this weekend, then I would be feeling differently about having him with me. I would be better able to judge his demeanor (eliminating x factor one) and I’d be confident he’d know we were stable (eliminating x factor two).

Instead, I am concerned about him from afar, focusing on other things and contemplating which other men to invite to art shows and holiday parties and dinners, etc.

I am okay dating men who are unavailable. But there is a huge difference between BFD spending a week elsewhere or working or competing around the clock or LP spending months on his work making headlines and BV, who is unavailable because he chooses to be.

His behavior is not personal to me. He rarely answers his phone for anyone. He does things as he likes. Were BV traveling the world for work, I’d be happily tending the home fires. But he’s not. He’s watching movies and playing golf and drinking beer.

And that man should be able to return a text message.

We shall see what happens when he reemerges. We had made so much forward progress and now we have lost ground.