Written as I walked down the street after leaving PR, in search of pizza and then a cab . . .

It’s weird to be sort of In love with an ex boyfriend.

But I am. And he is sort of In love with me.

I’ve had too much to drink. And he’s too awesome. And when I said  to him “I’ll see you in January,” he corrected me that it would be sooner.

But it won’t.

He called me darling. We kissed goodnight repeatedly and it was awesome.

It was amusing to hear his friends describe me as his ex-girlfriend.


Ah drunken ramblings.

But here’s the real deal . . .

I am still crazy about PR. It sucks, but it’s true.

Our friends — and over the course of the last year, they’ve become our friends — are really awesome about it all and really respectful of me and whatever it is that we had.

Or have.

The two questions that people always ask me at their shows: how do you know them? How did you meet them?

I am their friend. When I tell them I know PR, who is a notorious playboy, the women always fill in the gaps. Always. Always.

The mental calculation: you used to fuck their […]. Right. Of course. He’s PR.

Because I knew him socially, I know him as this hilarious, kickass, silly guy who gets picked on mercilessly by his three best friends. He’s flashy and he has many opinions he expresses.  He a rock star in a band of rock stars (and here I mean professionally).  He’s also brilliant and dedicated to sharing his knowledge in ways I wish I could tell you without outing him (and me) more than I already am.

So, yes, he’s this amazing guy, and really well-known in his field and wildly successful, etc., and yet, he’s been such a notorious playboy that the fact that he’s how I know his band and his friends is sort of embarrassing.  Which is why the status his friends confer is actually quite sweet.  That they consider me his ex-girlfriend gives me a status in their world I did not earn through our relationship, but I certainly have through our separation.

Bandmate’s Girl BMG is this tall gorgeous blonde, who is a hipster, sure, but also an accountant. She’s such a badass. She and BandMate have been dating for a couple of years. BM is the most attractive guy in the band. Tall, handsome, brilliant as they all are, but he’s the most into music of all of them. As a result, she’s right there all the time.

They tease me about being the second groupie behind her, which I willingly embrace.  It’s rather amusing.  We are the fans of a band that they all take far more seriously than anyone would ever acknowledge.  But it’s very serious for them.

I mentioned to BM, who has become my friend, that this show bookends 2011 for me. I went to their first show of the year in early January and this is their last one until early January.

My first show was my “second date” with PR. I went with like 20 friends and we all had a blast. PR famously signaled to me repeatedly from stage, made out with me at the venue and asked me to … the Chef’s restaurant, knowing it was my favorite.

BMG remembered me from that show, of course, and we reminisced about how that show and all others. It took a few months before I really met her, a few more before we became friendly, and now we’ve become friends.  It certainly makes it easier for PR as in the early days he had to just speak to me and whoever I was there with and ignore his bandmates.  As time has gone on, I’ve been integrated into the crew.

BM teased me about knowing two of my exboyfriends — PR and FM — but FM and I have never been public so I of course denied FM.  With great offense.

But it’s always funny to think of myself as PR’s ex-girlfriend. I am not. I was never his girlfriend. Again, in the annals is something I said to him when he said “I am only seeing you …” “Not asking, don’t care.”

I still regret that but it was early and I knew his reputation and I was an idiot.

Officially, never the girlfriend. Officially, the ex-girlfriend.

BMG asked me why we broke up and I told her the truth as I know it: I never thought it was permanent. I thought it was a pause.

Also the reality, which I did not mention as we all know it: he was seeing someone else (as was I), but the woman he was seeing was both famous and indiscreet. We both walked away for a time, but never cut off contact. And every time I saw him, he was glued to my hip.

Then PRX decided she wanted to transition their secret friends with benefits status into relationship status.  Fine, shut down everything. After enduring the humiliation of the spring, he actually stopped talking and interacting with me.

And then … she decided to move 200 miles away. And he hit on me in front of her at her going away party. And then was my date throughout the bar part of my birthday party the next weekend. While she was there. And ever since then, we’ve acknowledged we are still interested in each other, we kiss, we’ve become among our friends a rather public couple.  In fact, he has kissed me in the middle of a club in front of our friends as recently as three weeks ago.

Except when the time comes, we always shut it down.  Sometimes I shut it down, sometimes he does, but we are both fully aware that no matter how passionately we kiss each other good night, we are kissing each other good night.  We are not going further.

For now.

Any break with him always feels temporary.  We are in each other’s lives.  And . . . PRX and I are no longer friends.  When I think about it, we never really were.  She used our friendship to drive a wedge between me and PR.  And she was successful for a time.  Were she still here, she might be succeeding still, as there is no way she’d not be at his shows.  Except she wasn’t when they were dating again last summer.  She doesn’t come in for them, though they’re an important part of his life.

Were I PRX, I would make it a point to be there.  As I’ve made it a point to be at all of them in 2011, save one on a Monday night when I was working late and they were playing early-ish.

I told BMG that PRX and I were no longer friends.  She cut off contact with me in a fit of pique after she got into a fight with FM, who she dated though she denies it.  She blocked me on everything from facebook to twitter. It’s actually sort of hilarious, as she’s “friends” on all of those sites with all of my close friends — RA, BFD, C, and everyone else to whom I introduced her.  BMG was shocked, and also made a catty remark about PRX and the whole moving “180 miles away while being in a relationship” thing.

PR’s friends don’t like PRX, but they’ve been in each other’s lives for nearly 7 years.  She’s had live-in boyfriends during that time.  She dated LP.  She still refused to call him her boyfriend.  It’s a complicated scenario for everyone.  Presumably, they are spending Christmas together.  At least that was the idea when I last spoke to her a couple of weeks ago.  They are very much in a relationship, which is why PR and I are not dating.

He’s hitting on me.  He’s kissing me.  He’s spending time with me. But we are not together.

BM gives me a shout-out from the stage along with BMG. We are noticeable always.  As I said, she’s tall and gorgeous.  I am petite, to the delight of BM who uses my lack of height (and propensity to wear flats to shows) as his measure for other bands we’re seeing or the fact I don’t even block PR, who is the shortest of their bandmates.

PR sings during their set, for the first time I’ve ever seen.  And, he’s actually good.  Like surprisingly good. I mean, it’s a punk band, so you need not be particularly good, but it’s good.  The funniest part about it is that the lead singer plays PR’s instrument while he sings.  And that’s funny, as he’s fairly terrible.  I was amazed, and it was blessedly short, like all their songs.

Their set was all unfamiliar stuff.  They’re playing things from their very first album and their upcoming […]th.  They are also all drinking, but less than usual as they’re going on earlier and it’s a Wednesday.  Then again, as always, there are never moments when we’re not drinking beer out of a can, although this is our local cheap one, which I prefer.

That I drink beer now is amusing to my non-tech, non-hipster friends.  I mean, when in Rome . . .

I also laugh with BMG that PR is still embarrassed he introduced me to someone in another band by the wrong name.  It was a female friend, who is a lesbian, as he told me saying pointedly in front of her “she is not a threat to you.” Heh.  But he brought up the wrong name thing again recently.  I think I mentioned it in talking about the fact he’s actually a sweetheart.  She knows he is, too.

After their set, I am reintroduced to the lead singer’s wife, who then remembers at which show she’d met me.  She recently had a child, which impacted their show schedule during the summer.  She wanders away and each of the boys heads over to chat as their packing up their gear.  FM had joined us, and BandMate had made a very public invite to him.  PR always has the most gear to pack and haul, which amuses the rest of them no end, as he is the smallest of them all and the most rock star.

After they consolidate their gear, we all step out onto the patio.  The band, their girls, their friends.  We continue to drink more tall cans of beer.

Something I did not know, everyone in the band is exactly one year apart. The guitarist had a guy friend in from out of town and he referred to us as the same age, and when I corrected him he then tried to figure out how old I was without asking. I told him, yeah, I am seven years older than PR, which no one ever believes.

Seven years is a long time.

We talked about the show that guitarist, BM, BMG and I had all seen with the Software Developer at the festival a few weeks ago.  And then I make them demonstrate the dance.  PR is mystified, as I had been at the time.  That group is playing on NYE at our favorite music venue and it’s tempting all of us.

PR is talking to someone behind me holding his jacket and juggling his gear on a wet patio.  Eventually, I say to him, I will hold your jacket.  He declines, and then eventually agrees.  It just seems like a perfectly normal thing to do.

Again, as we’re all standing around and people are making connections and realizing, oooooh, you know PR . . . my status as the ex-girlfriend is fully cemented.  I am fully accepted as one of them, where they sort of vouch for me as a member of their crew.  I am not some random chick who has hooked up with PR.  I have status in their world because of my relationship with PR as his ex-girlfriend and also because we are obviously still fond of each other.  We are still close, and it surprises no one that I linger as people drift away, and that we head off into the night with BM and BMG.

I could grab a cab from anywhere.  I intentionally grab one from the hotel across from his condo.  (Yes, every man I have dated in the past year lives downtown adjacent to hotels.  All blocks away from each other.)  We are not holding hands.  For the life of me, I have no idea what we were talking about as we walked.

When we get to the corner, we hug and kiss good night. And then talk. And then kiss again. Etc. I say to him that I will see him in January (which is their next show).  He says, it will be sooner than that, but I know it won’t.  I mean, I do know him.  I am still sort of crazy about him, but I know him.

I know he’s going to be focused on all the rides he will get in when he’s not working around the clock.  He’s going to be hanging out with his friends, seeing PRX for a couple of days in the city where she lives (she was so offended that when she asked his schedule, he is going up for only three days).

I will be home with my family after this weekend for a few days, then back for New Year’s Eve.  I mean, it’s certainly possible we could see each other, but it’s highly highly highly unlikely.  Highly unlikely.

Still, I wander away from him . . . kissing him goodbye one last time.  He insists on making sure I get a cab, but I want to grab some food before I do.  I tell him I will be fine. Kiss and hug him again and we smile at each other as he starts to cross the street.

I am terribly fond of him, obviously, and I am a little surprised by how much of the last year has been impacted by his presence in my life.  I have many close friends I met through him or deepened my relationship with as the result of knowing him.  I have gotten invites to do things, where I met amazing people.  I am a better me because I met PR.  Frankly, he’s a better him, too.

I love that his friends have given me ex-girlfriend status.  It’s an honor.