It’s all too raw right now.

BV and I broke up last night.

It was in public. It is devastating. He said to me at the end: “I love you. I promise, I will call you tomorrow and we will talk.”

He didn’t.

I am actually stunned by what happened and I cannot quite process it all. I don’t want to relive it either. Below are text messages I sent to my cousin T starting around 530 am when I couldn’t sleep, and she was up.

Me: We broke up. There is someone else. It’s all rather unexpected. It happened in front of me.9:06 PM
T: I’m checking out at grocery, do you want to talk in 10???? 10 minutes? I’m so so so so sorry…. 9:12 PM
T: Call me… 9:21 PM
T: Do you want to chat? 9:41 PM
Me: Love to chat but I am still out. 9:49 PM
T: Oh, Shit. Well… Call me tomorrow… 9:50 PM
Me: Will do. About to take FM home. 10:07 PM
Me: Such a disaster 10:57 PM
T: Are you okay? 5:37 AM
Me: Worse actually 5:45 AM
Me: Also, good morning 5:46 AM
T: Oh, doll… So bummed for you. What the heck??? 5:47 AM
Me: Until last Sunday, I’d always assumed he was dating other people. 5:47 AM
Me: And it was fine, as I was too. 5:48 AM
T: Ok… And now you’re confirmed that he is? ,( 5:49 AM
Me: Then he instigates a relationship conversation and I am like okay let’s do this 5:49 AM
Me: And we confirm monogamy. We confirm we love each other and he goes out of his way to hang out with e so publicly that 5:50 AM
Me: Many of my friends saw him with her and were like um hey that’s Planner’s guy what the fuck5:51 AM
Me: And he LIED to me on Sunday. 5:51 AM
Me: And he never lies to me. He always tells me the truth even when it hurts 5:52 AM
Me: He hugged and kissed me when I saw him. He said it was his friend. He said he wanted to introduce me 5:52 AM
Me: Honestly I dont care that he is seeing other people, as I NEVER thought I was the only woman in his life 5:54 AM
Me: But he lied to me 5:54 AM
Me: Now I do think he didn’t realize that it was a date right away 5:55 AM
T: So, what happened last night? You ran into him with some chick? 5:55 AM
Me: Yes. At the SAME BAR where I met him and where we went last week 5:56 AM
T: They went there together or met there? 5:58 AM
T: He didn’t realize he was on a date with some other chick? 5:58 AM
Me: He told me when he saw me — I am with a friend from my building. It’s not a big deal. She’s not a girlfriend. I want to introduce you we are here to play skeeball 5:59 AM
Me: He hugged and kissed me he spent about 10 minutes with me and my friends 6:00 AM
Me: I was suspicious but I believed him as he — to my knowledge — never lies to me 6:01 AM
T: So… If that is true whats the problem? You think they’re hooking up? 6:01 AM
Me: But I am looking at them and I know she really likes him. And he is himself. And he never introduces me 6:02 AM
Me: They leave the bar ultimately without saying goodbye again, this is a man who ONE WEEK ago insisted on working through the crowd to meet each friend of mine 6:03 AM
T: Second Skee ball reference in 24 hours…. 6:03 AM
Me: So I glance out the door and she has her hand in the crook of his arm and I am like WTF6:04 AM
Me: (have a bunch of friends in skeeball leagues here… Seriously) 6:05 AM
Me: So, based on that, four months benefit of the doubt but I already know that maotierfucker did not introduce me and he lied to me 6:06 AM
T: Thats crazy……. 6:06 AM
Me: And I know he lied. And I am like wtf and devastated. And then…. 6:06 AM
T: Maybe she’s just inappropriately touchy…. 6:06 AM
Me: Oh no… We’re not done yet 6:07 AM
Me: So I need to get out of there, obviously. And FM is stupid drunk. So he says let’s go to “[…] bar” which is mostly open air patio. And I am bitching about the fact BV lied to me. And I am hurt. 6:09 AM
T: Maotierfucker! 6:09 AM
Me: And about twenty minutes after we’d arrived, I glance toward the big outdoor fire pit and theyre there with their backs to me but they’re holding hands 6:10 AM
T: To FM…. 6:10 AM
T: Maotierfucker! 6:11 AM
Me: Now, this is where we break up 6:11 AM
Me: I go to the bathroom which means I have to walk past them within eyeshot to return to my seat 6:12 AM
Me: And… I stop and say hello 6:13 AM
Me: In fact, i sit down. I introduce myself. I am super friendly 6:13 AM
Me: I am also incredibly intense, if course, but the convo is pleasant on the surface 6:14 AM
Me: I say to him … Hey i had no idea this was a date and he was like its fine we’ll talk tomorrow.6:17 AM
Me: She can’t hear me as I say a couple of things to hil 6:18 AM
Me: And i say I’ll leave and he’s like no it’s fine and really it’s all pleasant but I am dying. I ask him of he wants to talk for a minute and he says no. Fine. I leave. Back to FM. 6:20 AM
Me: And two other dudes who’d joined us from [first bar] 6:20 AM
Me: And then …. 6:20 AM
T: They leave…. 6:21 AM
Me: I bump into him again. Literally. She goes to bathroom I guess and I am coming back from the bathroom and so we talk 6:22 AM
Me: He is standing up and she’s not there and I am like dying but again trying to play it sort of cool. 6:23 AM
T: Playing it cool…. 6:24 AM
Me: And I was like I had no idea and he’s like we will talk tomorrow. We are going to handle this like adults. I will call you and we will talk on the phone tomorrow. And I am like its cool it’s not a big deal 6:24 AM
Me: And he’s like you’re insane 6:24 AM
Me: I tell him quite distinctly “goodbye” it’s been really fun and he’s like. What are you talking about I will see you again and I am like yeah okay it’s not a big deal 6:26 AM
T: Did he say you were insane because you were acting nonchalantly about it? 6:26 AM
Me: And he just keeps saying I will call you tomorrow and we will talk 6:26 AM
Me: He knows I am dying and yet trying to play it cool. E said to me “keep your head up . We will talk tomorrow” 6:27 AM
Me: So…. I leave him after he tells me I am insane. And it’s whatever. We had hugged goodbye and I am just dying 6:29 AM
T: Gah… 6:29 AM
Me: And I walk to the exit and FM is hitting on the girl 6:29 AM
T: FM is hitting on The Chick there with BV? 6:30 AM
T: Nice. Stay Classy, [City]. 6:31 AM
Me: And one of his new things is to ask women upfront ” are you single” and she said yes, we’ll, I mean, I don’t really know I am kinda here with someone but I don’t know. 6:31 AM
T: Ha!!!!!! 6:31 AM
T: FM on reconnaissance. 6:32 AM
Me: So I walk up to them when he is saying “well we are going to [third bar], you should come and I am like hi! 6:32 AM
Me: He didn’t know it was her 6:32 AM
Me: He knew she was pretty and blonde 6:33 AM
Me: So he again is saying you should join us and I said something by I don’t remember what but it was like “she’s not available or she’s BV’s friend” bit I am like apologizing to her for tall drunk dude hitting on her 6:34 AM
Me: And I tap her on the arm and say “it was very nice to meet you” and drag his drunk ass litbb6:35 AM
T: So ironic. Bar FULL of people. 6:35 AM
Me: Oh and I had said to BV and blondie — sorry about FM earlier he’s really drunk because he tried to go confront BV at skeeball. Tapped him on the shoulder and said can I talk to you and BV said no 6:38 AM
Me: And I was like yeah he misses you and you’re always so fun and BV turns to. Blondie and Said oh that’s Plan’s friend he is a huge [football team] fan 6:39 AM
Me: So then I was like yeah this is the guy we were telling you about. 6:40 AM
Me: So that’s it. That is the entire tale 6:40 AM
T: So, it’s done. 6:42 AM
Me: It is. I think. I am still a little confused 6:43 AM
Me: I am more than a little confused 6:43 AM
Me: BV on a date is not a violation BV lying to me is. 6:44 AM
T: That’s what I was thinking. 6:45 AM
Me: Which part is what you were thinking? 6:45 AM
T: Date=ok. Lying=violation. 6:46 AM
Me: Yeah. 6:46 AM
Me: So it feels done-done. And it was a super-bad scene. 6:49 AM
Me: But his words were measured. 6:49 AM
Me: He was being careful and neither of us lost our heads 6:49 AM
Me: His “keep your head up” was particularly odd 6:50 AM
T: Yeah, really. 6:51 AM
Me: It felt to a large extent that he was not feeling we were done at all 6:51 AM
Me: But the “let’s handle this like adults” makes me think we are 6:51 AM
T: Do you want to stop seeing him? Or would you be okay with just going back to the relationship level you thought you were at to start with which is ‘we ar 6:57 AM
T: e dating but seeing other people?’ 6:58 AM
Me: I really did not make a scene or do or saying anything that betrayed we were just friends. Aside from fact I was a bit eno 6:59 AM
Me: Emo 6:59 AM
Me: I’d always been okay with seeing other people. Id assumed he was and I most certainly was7:01 AM
T: Just sayin. 7:02 AM
T: But again… What do you want? Other than the obvious which is “don’t lie to me, Maotierfucker!” 7:03 AM
Me: I’d actually decided to try to focus on him after last week — our discussion and the amazing time we had 7:04 AM
Me: Which adds insult to injury 7:05 AM
Me: The lying is infuriating. 7:06 AM
T: Well. You should remember that he is young… Hasn’t learned ad many lessons…. 7:07 AM
T: Your Emo is loud. 7:07 AM
Me: Lol 7:07 AM
T: I’m right! He isn’t been malicious, just dumb. 7:12 AM
T: You should make up and say, I don’t care what you do, just don’t lie. And don’t be dumb… If you’re going to lie, DON’T DO IT AT *OUR* Fucking bars… 7:14 AM
Me: Lol. Seriously 7:40 AM
Me: He told me again that he loves me 7:46 AM
Me: Which, of course he does. 7:46 AM
Me: But the whole let’s take things slowly but we are in it / marathon sexfest to Sunday is a bit hard to bear 7:48 AM
T: It’s a whirlwind… 7:55 AM
Me: Quite. 8:05 AM
Me: I am all heartbroken but I think it’s not over- over. 8:14 AM
Me: But maybe he just wants to be friends… 8:15 AM
T: Well… It’s so hard not to obsess… 8:24 AM
Me: And until we talk, I have only shreds of conversation and shards of pain 8:26 AM
T: That’s my new song: SHREDS OF Conversations, Shards of pain. 8:29 AM
Me: Seriously awesome line. I want cowriting credit 8:32 AM
T: Of course! 8:32 AM
Me: Honey, I have no idea what happened. It certainly sounded and felt like we broke up 8:33 AM
Me: And he did confirm it was then a date. I think. 8:33 AM
Me: Which again is within the bounds of our relationship. 8:34 AM
T: Your heart hurts. Relax. Soothe yourself. Take it easy till you talk to him. 8:37 AM
Me: Yeah. 8:40 AM
Me: I will be interested to see what he has to say about it all. 8:40 AM
Me: And wtf does keep your head up mean?! Don’t be sad because we’re over or don’t be sad because we’re not. Lol. Fucking drunk convos 8:42 AM
T: Drunk. Convo. 8:52 AM
Me: Hurts a lot today. 9:05 AM
Me: Also damaged my relationship with someone new. Lol 9:05 AM
T: Ha… I just walked in to hear Billy Joels “Honesty”… LOL. The message is too perfect for your situation. 9:29 AM
Me: meanwhile I heard Everlong by the foo fighters last night and its only making me more emo. Lol 9:30 AM
T: Aaaccckkk!!!! HELP YOURSELF. GO DO THE LEAST EMO THING YOU CAN….hmmmm. Google laughing Yoga. 9:37 AM
Me: I asked people for kitten pics. By Tuesday, I’ll be fine. If you think about it. This is par for the course with BV. 9:38 AM
Me: Big emotional messy commitment followed by withdrawal. 9:39 AM
Me: He said as much last Sunday, ithe more time we spend together the more time we need apart. 9:40 AM
Me: W just gave me the guy opinion: he thinks we didn’t break up and that his lying was reasonable given the circumstances 11:40 AM
T: I think that’s valid. 11:41 AM
Me: We shall see. I am curious about whether he will call me. 11:42 AM
Me: But I can forgive that lie as women often act out 11:43 AM
T: I’m photographing food. UH-gain. Jeez, I’m becoming one of them. 9:44 PM
Me: One of us. One of us. 9:57 PM
T: Right??? I sent you that […] pic for a chuckle… Did you get it? 9:58 PM
Me: I want to call [BV] 10:02 PM
T: It’s kinda late… Might be awkward… 10:09 PM
Me: He wakes up at 3 10:09 PM