My coffee with C was delayed by a couple of hours by a storm and by her oversleeping at her new guy’s place.

While I waited for her, I watched the parade of well-dressed lawyers flow in and out. Well-dressed lawyers makes me think of only one thing: LP. That man can wear a suit like no one else. Mostly because his suits are awesome.

When she arrived, she mentioned him. He frequents this coffee shop, too, and they’d bumped into each other here a few weeks ago.

She then mentioned that his kid’s best friend is best friends with the daughter of one of her best friends. And then she filled me in on some details from his kid’s perspective.

Fascinating stuff. Sad for me, but a good perspective.

Late in the afternoon, back at the coffee shop while awaiting my bus, I texted him:

“Spent the day in downtown […] meeting with my lawyers and couldn’t help but think of the best-dressed lawyer in town. hope you’re having an excellent day.”

I received an immediate response: “Sweet xoxo”

I did not follow up.

I just wanted him to know I was thinking of him.

C reminded me earlier that the happiest she’d ever seen me was with LP and that he’d been ridiculously happy too.

We know we can’t be together, but the thought of him still makes me happy. He’s out there. He exists in the world.

That’s enough.

Like speaking to him on Christmas, Boxing day, and on New Year’s eve and then when he called me at 2 am on new year’s day meant the world to me, sometimes it’s just enough to know he’s there, somewhere.

We’ve been in touch every couple of weeks since late December. Nothing has changed. He’s still making life choices based on his kid’s happiness and not his own. That’s okay. It’s been that way for years.

We will continue to see each other in emotionally fraught moments a couple of times a year, confirming always that we cannot be together.

BV is a significantly less complicated version of LP in a lot of ways. That I still have feelings for LP never had anything to do with BV.

I am with neither of them. And they are barely in my life.

LP and I split up two years ago, though it never seemed permanent. BV and I split up two days ago, and I cannot imagine that we will speak again.

When I has lunch today with W, Jerk Face and C, the guys said “you’re not to talk about your breakup as you too will be back together by tee-time.” (Or tea time, not sure which he meant.). They viewed the BV breakup as temporary. To me, it feels permanent.

My breakups with LP are never really breakups. Most of our fights ended with “we are fine.” Though we never were.  Our fight at a coffee shop feels present for me, though it happened more than two years ago.

LP is no more a part of my life than he’s been. Unless he’s able to put his own happiness as a priority, we cant be together. I know why he’s making the choices he is making and I have long accepted that is who he is.

I’ve successfully dated other people. I dated and loved BV, for example. But, LP will always be in my heart. He gives me more confidence and hope for the future. I don’t mean my future with him, but he’s integral in my personal history. Just knowing he exists, he affects my confidence moving forward. If he cares, if he’s still obsessed, then someone else would, too.