Last night, I turned down a date with the friend of a friend (i.e., easy rebound sex) to go to yoga with my best girlfriend RA.  Then I turned down drinks with S and the Software Developer.

I am not sure I made the right choice.

Right before I left for yoga for an 845 pm class, C and the Software Developer were getting together at a bar and C invited me to join them.  I was briefly tempted.  SD and I have seen each other once since our trip ended, as he’s been super-busy with a new project and I’ve been caught up in other drama.  C knows now, thanks to Jerk Face, that I’ve slept with SD, who has had a crush on C for like a year and routinely follows her around like a puppy.  The funny thing about that is that SD is a hugely popular guy who is regularly pursued by women, by C is like his white whale and she flirts with him just enough to keep him interested.  They’ve made out.  They have spent the night together, and they may have slept together, though they each deny it.  Anyway, despite the inherent weirdness now that she knows I slept with him, I still was sorely tempted.

I was less tempted by friend of a friend.  He’s very good in bed.  He’s easy to deal with.  There is no romance, but we have a nice friendship that’s developed.  But I am just not ready.

And when I am ready, I don’t think I am ready for super-casual.

The commitment I made to the Bon Vivant last week was really a commitment I made to myself.  I am doing more things for me on a fundamental level, holding myself to a higher standard, living more authentically.

I want to be the best version of me and part of that means taking myself more seriously than I did in the fall.  I had fun, essentially to keep passing the open window, but now it’s time to make bigger changes and bigger shifts.

I have been extremely depressed for a while.  Being with BV helped that.  Being with other people helped that, too.  I picked fun over sense because I needed fun.

Now, I need more than just fun.

I am angry at BV because he lied to me.  I am not angry that he was on a date, as I always assumed he was when he was not with me.  And he took such offense at that implication.  Which was TRUE.

Such a douche bag.

So, his being on a date: no big deal.

His lying to me about it: very big deal.

By choosing yoga — and meditation in a dark room — over drinking with my friends, I thought I was making an excellent choice.  I didn’t, though.  I am not ready to meditate.  I am not ready to empty my mind.  Instead, I saw his face and wanted to cry.  Then I saw his face and got really angry.

I am angry, which puts me on a better pace to healing.

I have other men in my life, but I am not ready to date anyone yet.  I am not ready because I need to be less hurt and angry.  I am also not 100% certain that BV and I are done with each other.  After all, we’re never done, every time I think we are.  Every time he disappears from my life, we reconnect.

When I decide to move on, it’s to move on to something real, not something else.

I am tempted to revisit LP, though he is my white whale.  I reread an entry from when things were “good” between us and I loved him deeply and ridiculously, as he loved me.  It was all too much.  I am older and smarter now, and I do wonder if things could be different.  He is present at times, and I wonder if I could just say to him, let’s grab a glass of wine tomorrow and catch up.  It’s been months since I have seen him — an impromptu dinner and then a chat in his car he’d just picked up.  We held hands. We kissed.  We made plans.  It was lovely and sad.  Like our relationship, which has never really been over.

For now, I am focused on making my life better.  I am focused on doing things that make me feel good on a fundamental level, rather than feeling good on a momentary level.  That means, new job, better health, stronger foundation.  A better me.  And part of being a better me depends on fixing my life.

I am a woman of substance and I need to act like it more often.

So, I am recommitting to me.  This process was beginning before BV and I went sideways (again) and it’s essential for my future happiness.

I am convinced I can be very happy again.  I spent some time talking to A, my ex-husband, about his dating life.  He went from me, to a 4 year relationship with someone he met while we were together (no overlap), to now being single.  My life is better when I am better in my life.

My focus has to be internal and everything else falls into place.

This is still my fresh start.


And always.