I am completely inwardly focused right now, which is very healthy in many ways . . . and unhealthy in one big one.
I am focused on my career stuff, my work, figuring out my next moves, etc. I need to make money, and I am tired of waiting for the offer I have accepted to begin.
I am reading more. I am writing more. I am focusing on being a better me.
I am being very social, but I am moderating my drinking. Last month scared me. Blacking out and waking up in bed with PR was bad. Waking up elsewhere was worse.
I am not always eating when I drink because I am obsessing about my weight.
I want to drop down to 110 pounds, I think. This weekend, my weight increased by 4 pounds, which is perfectly understandable. Two restaurant meals and lots of champagne and beer on Friday, chinese food and shots on Saturday. Each of those days would push my weight up (bloating) by 2 lbs a day. That amount of weight gain is understandable, but it still makes me upset and affects what I wear.
I know, logically, that it shouldn’t. But it does.
How am I making that less unhealthy: the more I have going on, the less time I have to worry about my weight. Generally. Filling my time with other things means I have other things to focus on.
But, I am watching the scale, watching how my clothes fit, and fixating on it.
I am, quite obviously, pmsing right now, but that does not mean how I feel is not real. It is.
If I lose 5 more pounds, I focus less on my weight. Or at least, I have in the past.
I am aware of it. My friends are aware of it.
As for dating . . . I am just not worrying about it. I met someone interesting last week, I should see LP at some point in the next couple of weeks, and I have a mild crush on PR. I am not scheduling in new people at the moment. I am not looking to meet anyone. I am looking to just be. There are always men around, but it’s my least important concern. I had too much happening for the first three months of the year. Now, I am looking inward.
Were it about just being with someone, BV and N and even FM or SD are available.
I want more than just someone to go to dinner with or spend the night with. That was the commitment I made to myself under the auspices of making a commitment to BV. I chose to live more authentically. I chose to take myself more seriously. I need more.
For now, I am working on myself — career, intellectual stimulation, creativity. I am focused on me and letting everything else fall into place.