Typically, these live forever in my “drafts” or in “notes” on my phone, but . . .

RA, who may know me best among all of my friends, said two or three very important things to me about which I need to think deeply:

“what’s the benefit of being tethered to someone who is equally untethered?” (re BV)

“your friends cannot help you when you’re not ready.” (re everything)

“interesting is your kryptonite.  When I hear you describe someone or something as ‘interesting,’ I get scared.”

This week marks 12 years since I met my ex-SO, essentially my ex-husband, A, with whom I spent 7.5 years.  We are still close friends, and we were discussing his online dating profile.  I saw his profile picture and cried, because it had a photo of our fur kid who died last January at 15.5.

There is a lot to unpack in that.

In a lot of ways, A and BV are more similar than any one else I have dated, except BV appears to be more interventionist when I am pursuing some passion project/driving headlong into a ditch.

They are not wired the way I am.  They are not wired the way BFD or LP or PR are.  Taking time to focus on life, appreciating beauty, living . . . there are good lessons there I have often forgotten when I am working 18 hours a day or contemplating the contours of my navel.

A is the most pure narcissist I have ever met — but my life with him gave me a solid foundation that let me be more fully me, but better.  Or something.

Also, set against the backdrop of the BV madness: I cannot tell if I am dating someone or not until they make some ridiculous move.  I just assume that we are in friend zone until they kiss me.  I mention this because I am seeing the think tank exec again tonight for the second time in three days.  And, I think he likes me, but I don’t know.  Our dates have always been fun.  But friendly.

What I realized after my Saturday with BV is that . . . I want a more normal life.  I want to be more normal in my life and I want to do more normal things.  I want to head out of town with someone on a whim.  I want to wake up and cook breakfast and laze on the sofa watching football or football.

I have been living this social life for years, but even with BFD we had moments of eating chinese in front of basketball or watching a bunch of movies on the living room floor.  I miss having a boyfriend.  The Nice Guy, who I dated for months two years ago, was great because we had a completely conventional existence.  He took exceptionally good care of me, but ultimately, he did not like me very much.  He loved the idea of me, but he didn’t actually like me.

So, I am figuring out how to build a life from the smoking embers around me.  It’s worse than you think, but I am very good at figuring this shit out.

I feel better this week than I have felt in a long time.  I am left with hope and promise and I can see a path forward.  I even dreamt of my dream job last night, which is what I have been building toward with BP for years.  Or rather, it’s the bait he dangles in front of me to keep me going.  Perhaps I figured out a way to get there without him.  We shall see.

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