The ground shifted beneath my feet today.
BFD is leaving. Forever.
He told me over the course of 12 minutes. He sounded awful: depressed, despondent, weary.
I feel partially to blame. In fact, I apologized for not being a better friend to him. He said, you’re dealing with your own stuff.
As soon as we hung up, confirming he’d be gone for at least two weeks before we’d have a chance to grab dinner, I walked downstairs to where our little pool party was getting underway because I wanted to hug the dog. Had FM not been shirtless, I would have hugged him, too.
I sat on a chaise and cried, far from the party, unable to process the profound sadness I feel.
I am devastated for so many reasons I cannot clearly articulate any of them. BFD has been one of the most important people in my life and, soon, he will be gone. Forever.
It’s not death, of course, but it is drift.
My heart is broken.
I tweeted something about this yesterday, something oblique, but I cannot handle this much change and upset. I am confronted by the absence of so many people I love that my heart hurts. Knowing more of them are leaving . . . I can’t bear it right now.
I know, long-term, everything will be fine.
But now, I hurt. I ache for everything we were and everything we lost. There was promise, which was dashed. It could have been different.
I will always remember sitting next to him on our first date as he outlined his 18 month plan and realizing, I could marry him. I could have children with him. This could be the next 40 years of my life.
It didn’t happen, for a lot of reasons.
He broke my heart a few times and it is broken again.
It will heal.
It always does.
A couple of years from now, I will have dinner with him in New York or in San Francisco and we’ll laugh about the dinners we used to have, the fun we used to have, and it will be lovely.
He’ll call me when he gets engaged. I’ll call him if I do.
We’re family. We have been.
He will tease me about the inappropriate man I will then be seeing, I will tease him about being with someone so young.
But, it will always be different.
The life we had here is gone. And soon he will be gone.
It hurts. Even a day later, it hurts.
It is just a small earthquake, but I felt the earth shift under my feet.
He has cast a shadow over my life for years, and now he is leaving forever.