I am coping with BV’s absence in the ways I do: going out a lot with friends, seeing bands, and working really long hours.

Last weekend, I went to a work dinner on Friday, a daytime concert with our new girlfriend LV, PR. JR and his girl where we had drinks at BV’s favorite restaurant — which I did promise I’d skip while he was gone [oops!] — dinner with FM and one of his friends and then some barhopping on Saturday, and a pool party, then dinner with the Think Tank Exec, and then a really cool new hipster bar with him.

My weekend was overstuffed by friends who knew I desperately needed distraction.

I know I am sad.

I am trying hard to keep that sadness to myself.

RA asks about how I am coping, so I tell her, but it hurts all the time.

RA: how are you holding up?

Me: poorly
i miss him so much it hurts
and i am driving myself mad thinking how uncertain everything is — even though it’s not — and that it will all be diferent when he’s back — even though it won’t
RA:  that def sounds like the world of Mr. [Vivant]
I’m sorry that it hurts
 me:  i know. it sucks that we spent SO much time together before we left and we’re so relationshippy … and now he’s gone and mostly silent
which is par for the course
2.5 more weeks…

I am not dating, which would be the obvious distraction.  Instead, I am hanging out with friends who are just my friends.

I am not entirely certain why I am not dating.  I get hit on regularly.  I have a dating profile up and I have men chatting me up through that, but I don’t want to date anyone else.

We reconciled through two fights: one over BFD bullshit (he was right) and one over his jealousy about the Think Tank Exec (he was wrong).  I hear his anger in my head, see the look on his face as he tells me “[Planner], I trusted you …”

And, as I do think I am worthy of his trust, I am not going out on dates with other men.

It is a conscious choice I am making, and it does feel foolish as a date would not be a violation of our undefined relationship.  Still, I am not dating.  I am not walking into the places we went together with other men.  I am keeping my head down.  I am being good.

I suspect he is not.

Then again, I always suspect he is not.  He’s adorable, he’s fun, and he gets hit on all the time, by men and women.  If you’re around him, you have the best time ever, which then leads to . . . I want to feel this all the time, to always be with him.

I have seen how other people respond to him.  I know him.

He always claims he’s true to me, and suggests he was celibate while we were apart.  I do not entirely believe him, as he’s a man, but I sort of do, as he’s BV.  He’s often depressed.  He drinks a lot.  He does a lot of drugs.  I’ve been with him when he’s passed on sex with a “yeah, that’s not going to happen.”

He was such an asshole to me after I admitted I’d slept with someone while we were broken up that I would assume that for that reason alone he might pass on offered sex.  I mean, he could accept and then lie.

And now you see why I am semianonymously blogging this shit instead of whining to my friends about it.

As when I pledged my commitment to him in January, which was really my commitment to me, I am committing to myself while he’s gone.  I am focusing on fixing what is wrong with my life rather than being out with other men.

 

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