Today is a year since my first date with the Bon Vivant, when I knew everything that was going to happen from then until now in my relationship with him.
We started to fall for each other, while sitting at a bar. He looked at me and said “this is real and this is serious.” And, it was. It was incredibly open and honest and intense. And we just knew that we were going to be in each other’s lives. I said, in my post about that day: “He is trouble. He is the kind of man who will convince me to do very foolish things.” And, he was trouble. With him, I did very foolish things. I also did some excellent things. We loved each other from that day on, which only got deeper and more complex.
No one who knows me thinks I should have been dating BV. Even I knew it was a bad idea. And when things went very, very wrong, there was collateral damage. We broke up, in public, and it was ugly. When we reconciled, everyone was okay with it. Our second weekend together, we spent four days over a holiday weekend. We spent time with friends, we were very, very public and it was great.
Friends were aware of his drug, let’s say, enthusiasm, and months later realized I had, on rare occasions, done drugs with him.
He left for a month for an education program, and, when he came back, his chemistry was off. He’d stopped doing coke, he started blacking out, he became monstrous. It was awful.
He has traveled frequently over the past 2.5 months. I have not seen him since the end of July when I walked out of his place, as he slept on the sofa, and then he tracked me via checkins to the market. That’s it. It’s been 6 weeks or so.
I have not thought of us as dating since I walked out, though we have spoken via text frequently, and we have tried, from time to time, to get together.
I started seeing the Editor after the Bon Vivant turned down an event as he was out of town for a job interview. TED and I clicked and BV was gone and I moved on.
But, I moved on knowing that it was not really over.
And, it’s not.
I speak to the Bon Vivant regularly because I consider him a dear friend and I love him, and there is just some ineffable thing between us that means that despite it all, I will always be there for him and he will love me more than anyone has in years. The real, unvarnished me. The one you can ignore if you choose to not look closely.
I invited The Editor to a Tuesday night show, and TED declined. We’re in a weird place. I am getting perfunctory messages from him, and there is a coldness that seems unusual. Sex does weird things to relationships, and I just don’t know what happened, just that something likely did.
So, TED declined and I sent the invite to the Bon Vivant. I assumed he’d say no, but he has schedule flexibility. He did say no, that he is trying to not go out during the week, which for him, living in a tower steps from bars he frequents, is a huge deal.
I messaged him later:
Me: Just got an email about [a show]. You’re going to that right?! 7:03 PM
And that’s the current status with the Bon Vivant. I told him I would see him this weekend for a beer around the football games.
I am aggravated that TED has not made any mention of this coming weekend or any plans for anything. It’s one of those things that moves it from “someone I am dating” to “someone with whom I go on dates.”
In response to the “I think Tues. (and midweek in general these days) is also looking doubtful, but don’t be reluctant to keep sending weekend invites.”
“Don’t be reluctant” is a rather shitty thing to say. Okay, I won’t be reluctant to send you an invite for you to consider. Ass.
I am coming to grips in every phase of my life with some of the awful choices I have made and with just how depressed I have been at times. I feel better. I feel like my decisions are making sense. I feel like I see a path through.
I am a year since I fell in love with the Bon Vivant on our first date, and then had to deal with all the things that meant as we were together on and off. His comment that “we were always together” is still true. We’re still in each other’s lives. We still love each other. We still care.
Ultimately, I skipped the show, too, and postponed the meeting I booked on the backside.
I am focused on other things, important things, but I wanted to note the downshift from TED and the current status with BV.