I have a stupid crush on my Long Distance Fling (LDF).  I can’t help it.  He’s amazing.  He’s adorable.  He’s funny.

I was on fb yesterday and saw that he was getting ready to fly to Europe later that night.  We hadn’t spoken in a couple of days and I was bummed that he hadn’t followed through on setting up a voice call or a video chat as we’d discussed the weekend before.

So, I messaged him at 11:13 am:

Me: figures. i might be in new york this week for […] meetings.
Me:  I know! I just found out last night…
LDF:  and i was having a good day!
Me: you’re going to [country]! that’s like the best day.
LDF:  yeahhhhh until the hottie you met in [state] tells you shes in town during that trip..
Me:  ha
Me: i think i like “the hottie you met in [state]”
LDF: 🙂
Me: we’ll have to schedule something when you’re back
LDF: yes please.
Me: 🙂
Me: i am completely jealous, though. I’ve not been to [country] for like 5 years.
LDF: i hate [city], but im down on the […] this time. [city, city, city] – so no complaints other than its too cold for the beach!
Me: nice! furthest south i’ve been is […]. i’ve always wanted to do the […]
Me: try not to miss me too much. i know how hard that can be.
LDF: its been a struggle for 3 weeks now.
Me: three weeks?! it feels like yesterday and forever ago. we need to fix that.
LDF: agreed! when i get back we’ll figure it out. tons of fun trips coming up, maybe you should join on one 🙂
Me: 🙂 we’ll figure it out. i am excited for your trip. and i’ll miss you.
Me: i expect to see photos that make me wish i were there. (or anywhere but boardrooms pitching this […] deal.)
LDF: hahaha absolutely will send pics 🙂 miss u
Me: i will see you soon. 🙂
LDF: yes you will
Me: ) have a wonderful trip.
LDF: thanks babe

I find this entire thing amazing.  I do.

I am completely crushing on him and he seems sincere.

It’s been three weeks and those three weeks have been challenging.  

Which makes absolutely no sense.

We don’t know each other — at all — in any way except 5 hours of partying and laughing and a lot of sex and then a couple of hours of getting to know each other, punctuated by a lot of sex.  But, there is some connection between us.

Okay, part of it was the sex.  The sex was amazing.  But, the sex was amazing because there was some connection.  And then we set up a weekend to spend together that fell apart for work.  And it just feels like there is still a connection between us, whether it’s something chemical or just this overwhelming sense of loss.

I’ve been reading a book about philosophy and falling in love.  Well, it’s about philosophy and love, but I am just at the falling in love part.  It starts with a man and a woman meeting on a plane from Paris to London, and they connect and they fall in love.  And they look back and think of all the moments that led them to that moment of sitting on a plane.  And they think to themselves it was destined that all of those things would happen to put them on the plane.  

Except, of course they weren’t.  That sense of loss he feels when he misses her at customs . . . I felt an actual loss when LDF did not make it back.

He did, too.  We both wove together a narrative in those seconds, minutes, and hours, in our thoughts of the weekend to come.  We connected and made plans, and then it didn’t happen.

I cannot say for certain that I miss him.  I miss the idea of him.

But, then I do miss him.  It’s a real tangible thing.

Yes, I am dating other people.  Of course I am.  I presume he is.  We are both discreet in social media.  His photos show him with guy friends or as the only single person among couples. My photos show me with someone he already knows who is presumably gay.

There are some references from me about other men or dates or something, but they are subtle. 

So, I feel an actual absence in my life because he’s 1700 miles away.  And now, an ocean more.

He haunts my dreams.  He’s in my thoughts.  

I told RA about this conversation today and