I am — at the moment — on the sofa at the reporter’s flat, still in my nightgown despite the fact it’s 230 in the afternoon on a Friday.

I’ve been working since early morning, preparing to repack my belongings to move to the Software Developer’s condo for three days.

It will be my first time sleeping on a bed in nearly a week, aside from the one in the Pilot’s room.

After that, I will be in a chic flat in this chic neighborhood, living alone for the first time in years.

I will likely get into a bit of trouble.

The Bon Vivant is threatening/promising to show up at a party tonight, which he saw listed on my fb page. It is likely I will sleep with him again at some point — he’s easy, the sex is good, and I am bored. He has been racheting up his attention over the past week or two and asked me to come over last weekend — I was out and busy. It is inevitable — like the fact i will likely sleep with PR again. It’s just one of those things about which I refuse to feel guilty or weird or slutty about.

I am in control of my life now in ways I’ve not been before. I am no longer waiting for these things to happen to me or around me. Now, I am on my own, making my own way, dealing with issues head-on.

My most significant relationship at the moment is still with LP, who after weeks of regular Saturday dates, now has drifted out of the habit — work travel and the flu. We were months away from reconciling fully, but I miss the ease with which we slipped into a routine. I have not yet told him about my move and things. He’s been disconnected with illness and it’s a rather awkward conversation to have.

Still, we love each other and we have been very open and honest about our feelings for each other.

The other complicating factor is the Long Distance Fling. We are in regular contact, several times each week and he gave me his travel dates and hotel info for his trip here next month. He’s not relationship material for me, but I genuinely like both him and the idea of him and I cannot wait to see him.

I have no idea what will happen, but I would assume any of the following: I will likely reconcile with LP by the summer, I will sleep with the BV before then, and I will continue to have a fling with the Long Distance Fling when he is around.

The Pilot does not really fit into the plan. Which sort of makes him fit into the plan entirely.

I am not pushing myself into any permanent decisions. I am remaining flexible as I heal and figure out what I want.

Choosing to be with the Pilot or with the BV or with LP or PR or whomever works for me because they are choices I am making.

I spent years feeling life was simply happening to me and around me. Now, I feel as though I am making choices and taking responsibility.

I have moved from survival mode into something less than thriving, but I am exerting my power and answering only to me.

This feels good and right.

Advertisements