Tonight, the two men in my life each responded back adorably to a text message with “me too.”

The LDF responded “Me too!!! :)” when I told him toward the end of our text chat: “Wish your trip this week were to [here].”

LP responded “Me too” when I told him “I am great. Miss you. Xoxo.” after he rapid-fire responded with three texts to a message I’d sent 30 minutes before.

Though I am seeing a few people, I really only have only two men in my life, even though neither is really in my life.

I had a moment of clarity tonight when I saw that my Long-Distance Fling (LDF) was on twitter, which he never is. I quickly scanned my feed, just to be sure it was clean.

Two things jumped out: last Friday’s exceptionally platonic date with the Recently Single Guy, which sounded more romantic than it was as we were at dinner and then having a cocktail on a luxury hotel’s terrace, and a reference to LP and the night his friend died, which referred to being there for someone I love dearly. But just those two. The rest of it, the rest of my life, the rest of the men with whom I am going out on dates, or making out with, etc., was not so obvious.

Things with LDF are challenging and difficult because he lives 1700 miles away, he travels nonstop for work, and we do not know each other well. We’re connected, but we’re not together. Still, when he texts me, I beam. And I miss him for reasons that make absolutely no sense.

LP is my heart.

Sadly, that’s how I describe him to my closest friends. He’s my heart. And yet, even now, with as close as I feel to him, with as close as I am to him, I am still not with him.

We are separated, at this very moment, by 9.1 miles. It might as well be 1700.

With pms, I am feeling rather cranky and irritable this week, so I have been laying low-ish.

I have made actual plans — contingent on this project ending and my getting paid for it — to travel to see the LDF. I really need to get away. He lives in one of my favorite cities in the world. It will be the most fun I could possibly have. The LDF is the most fun person I’ve ever met, and he is dedicated to making every experience beyond the best ever. The LDF as the LDF on his home turf . . . I can only imagine the adventures we will have. I teased him this afternoon that “I even had adventures you facilitated from 1700 miles away. now, that’s some skill…”

We are semi-platonic because who knows really what the other’s actual situation is. We are both publicly single; we both manage our public personas. He was ill on Monday, which I know because he published to facebook about it, and was, as always, funny. I messaged him with more affection than I normally do: “Even while ill, you’re still funny on FB. Hope you feel better soon. xo”

The “xo” is something I’ve never said to him, I don’t think. It felt right, though.

His immediate response: “thanks wifey! miss u”

“Wifey” goes back to the first morning, when I awoke in his hotel room at the chic hotel and he dealt with the awkwardness with “so, I guess we’re getting married now…” and we laughed about how much our mothers would love the other. His first text to me: “hi wifey,” of which he was very proud, as he told me as I was grabbing his computer to check in and find my phone and climb back into bed with him.

He’s adorable . . . and obviously a playboy. I have never thought I was the only woman he’s seeing/talking to/texting/whatever. Still, it’s always felt sincere in its insincerity and what’s between us has always been real. We have absolutely no reason to still be talking 6 months after we met.

And yet that pain is real, his absence is real, my absence is real. Our connection is real.

I suggested, as I always do, that I would see him soon.

I always tell him “I’ll see you soon.” His response was less positive than usual: “I hope so!!!”

He’s usually more certain.

I decided to plan a trip. I called my partner and told him I need a reason to travel there. Let’s make it happen.

I told the LDF and asked available dates and he was less enthusiastic than I wanted. I really was just cranky, so he didn’t have a chance to possibly answer properly. He was enthusiastic, of course, but I read it as platonic, even though it’s not really. We just don’t want to assume after so long that the sexual part is there. The fact is, I would see him anyway, even if we were both seeing other people because being with him, even as just his friend, would be amazing.

Our chemistry is insane though and the sex was mind-blowingly good, so platonic might not stay platonic, we’re just careful to not express those expectations to each other. The omission feels intentional.

It’s sort of like the fact I don’t end messages to him with xoxo, which I now do for LP.

We tell each other “miss you!” and “see you soon!” I tell him I miss his handsome face, but that does not feel intimate to me. Amusingly, earlier today, I told the LDF “I look forward to seeing your handsome face at some point soon” and he responded “me too!!!”

Heh.

He’s adorable.

He’s amazing and I cannot wait until I see him again. He thinks I am amazing, too, and he misses me just as much as I miss him. It’s unusual to find someone with whom you really connect, who shares your energy and drive and who gets what it’s like to be professionally social and yet still have to kick ass at a complex analytical job.

But, he lives 1700 miles away, he is 10 years my junior, and we have been on hold for as long as we have known each other.

I do believe I will see him “soon,” although I have no idea if it will be here, there, or somewhere else. Nor do I know what soon is. I’d hoped it meant very soon, but with his schedule and mine, it calendar is slipping already.

I want to see him before things solidify further with LP.

LP and I are still not together and over the past week ive been feeling his absence acutely. He had a birthday last weekend so of course he was with his daughter and I did not see him.

I texted him, he responded, and that was that. He’s gone a little quiet on me, which makes me worry about him a little. Last week, I told him I was checking in daily because I am concerned and that I am here for him if he needs me. He responded back “Love it” so I have continued on. He’s better and more open, but he’s still not entirely open.

I know he misses me. I know he wants something more with me. I know I am essentially his girl.

But, I am not entirely his girl. We’ve not had sex in a year, and even then, we didn’t really complete anything, though I did spend the night with him, naked.

And when I was in bed with him a couple of weeks ago, he wanted to cuddle and I wanted to have ridiculous sex.

Our date following that once the next week was wonderful, and thanks to calendar we’ve not seen each other since.

But we are actively engaged in whatever our relationship is. Sometimes, I feel like I am bothersome to him, but I am not bothersome. He loves that I check in, loves that I care.

Advertisements