Today has been an long, rough day.

I am waiting — still — for BP to pay me for work I did 5 weeks ago, and for which I was to have been paid immediately.  I have a dollar to my name. I have to pay my cell phone bill today, my storage bill today, and a pawn loan on Wednesday.

I owe $50 to C.

I am within 2 weeks of getting a check for somewhere between 35 and 60k, but at the moment, I am completely broke.

When I get that check and the funds clear my account, I will be financially solvent for the moment, and able to (1) fly to see the LDF, (2) buy a new ipad, (3) get my two rings out of pawn, and (4) get an apartment.

It is hard to say which of those things I look forward to more.  

I am excited to be in my own place again, downtown or downtown-adjacent.  I actually like living with W, but I hate being stuck all the way down here.  It’s hard to get around, I don’t get to see most of my friends, and my lifestyle has changed significantly.  To get downtown on my own takes an hour and fifteen minutes and two buses.  It is about a 20 minute drive, but it feels like much farther away.  

I would like to move to the Reporter’s neighborhood (LP has a house there, in a much chic-er series of blocks).  I think I can afford something small and reasonable.  My old goal of living with C looks like it won’t be possible as she is moving to a different city with her boyfriend of six months.

I will need to buy a new television and an apple tv or a roku.  I will need wifi, but not cable.  I am going to do things a little differently this time.  

My life has changed since I have been out of my condo.  I am constantly cleaning everything.  I have a housemate, and I routinely wash my pots and pans, etc. before I sit down to eat.  I clean everything all of the time.  I am becoming obsessive about it.  

My personal space is not as meticulous, but it still still clean, and I am looking forward to being in my own space and having people over.

I want some place sort of small and quirky.  As I mostly work from home, it needs to be comfortable, but I don’t need much space.  A garage apartment would be perfect or perhaps a studio somewhere.  Okay, maybe not a studio.  I know what my budget is. I just need to find a place I can afford and I would prefer to not have to have a roommate.

I have a lot of furniture, from having lived in a large, furnished 2 bedroom flat, but I can consolidate a little further.  Sell some things here and there.

I can do it.  It will be good to be back on my own, with some privacy.  Men in my life will appreciate that as well. I’d rather not have to get a car, so a close-in location is important.

I can have my own life back, publicly socializing, embracing the world around me, meeting new people, and not living in constant fear.

I gave up a lot in pursuit of a future that has not come to pass.  That’s okay.  It is what it is.  As a result, I have learned to live without so many things, and I am still okay.

I can adjust my expectations and my demands accordingly.  I can live more simply, and with less nonsense.  I can be me.  I am hopeful I will find something with a bit of charm.  

I may keep a small storage unit for my files I no longer need weekly or monthly.  There is no reason to have those things around, weighing me down.

Someday soon, perhaps within the next month, I will be in a new place of my own, sleeping in my own bed.  I will likely get a cat again.  And I will have a life that is mine.

I am starting to look at some new furniture — cheap stuff from ikea. Stuff that will look decent and more updated than the dresser in my bedroom.  And I need new dining chairs, as I think we tossed all of mine. 

If I get a place with some charm in a nice enough neighborhood, I could use a short-term leasing service to offset some of my rent during big events.

It is exciting to think about being back on my own again, redefining myself through my space. Creating somewhere I want to be.  I should dedicate an amount of money for decor, which I haven’t done in years.  I hadn’t had to since we moved into the condo.  I spent a lot of money on cabinets and shelving, but I didn’t need to do anything else.

Now, I want to.  I have to decide if I want to reupholster the cushion from my sofa, which is a lovely Italian sofa.  Which I should do.  Maybe pick up two new chairs.

I am excited to just think of the possibilities.  It will be fun.