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I postponed my trip set for next week to see my Long-Distance Fling.

I am stressed about the trip and I don’t have time to plan it or get my hair done or go shopping or do any of the things I would want to do before I see him.  I am afraid I would have to cancel next week, at the last minute, so I canceled preemptively today, more than a week in advance.

It felt kind.  It felt empowered.

We’ve been arguing a bit about this trip.  I tried to cancel last week after I realized the LDF and I were on completely different pages about it.  He did not realize I was flying in just to see him. I decided since we had miscommunicated that I would just cancel.  He freaked out. Justifiably.

I reconsidered after his messages, and we kept this trip booked.

Except, I have to cancel. Or, at least I am so certain I should cancel that I did cancel preemptively.

It feels like the right move.

What I couldn’t figure out was the right way to postpone it.

How to you tell this man that work is forcing you to postpone a trip you’ve had on the books for a couple of weeks and in the planning stages for a couple of months.

I called him.

I never call him.

I have called him once before, on his birthday, and I chose not to leave a voicemail.

So, I called his cell phone and I got his voicemail at 5:35 my time (6:35 his time).  It has been so long since I have heard his voice it was thrilling just to hear his outgoing message.  I wanted him to hear my voice telling him I had to postpone for work, that I miss him, that I will see him soon.  I rambled a bit, but I was confident and affectionate and okay with what I said.

I messaged a version of the voicemail to facebook, which is how we normally communicate.

And, there was no response.

Finally, at 6:11, I got a text: “At dinner – u ok?”

I told him again, realizing he hadn’t heard nor seen the message: Have to postpone [trip] thanks to a [project]-related delay and wanted you to know asap. Thought it would sound better via voicemail. 🙂 Miss you. See you soon.

At 6:40 pm: “Nooooo :(“

Followed immediately by “Love u”

Followed immediately by my freaking the fuck out.

That was just the weirdest thing he could have said.

What in the hell does “Love u” mean?!

I mean, obviously he doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t actually know me.

This connection between us in insanely strong, but it’s a connection.  It’s not love.

It’s a thing, but love?!

I am so entirely conflicted about it that I text a bunch of my friends.  Because really how do you even reply to such a thing.

My initial thought was: “that was a misdirected text intended for someone else.”

Yes, apparently that is an INSANE thing to think.

I played it off, the same way I did the last time he texted love you.

I ignored it.

I responded: 

Me: I miss you so much. And I am so upset I have to postpone. 6:45 PM
Me: I promise I will see you soon … And find a way to make it up to you. ❤ 6:47 PM
LDF: 🙂 yay 7:05 PM
Me: Very very soon, I will be with you. 7:25 PM
LDF: 🙂 7:39 PM
 
The whole exchange threw me completely.  
 
The weird thing: he does love me/the idea of me as I love him/the idea of him.  We have this weird connection and despite the time and the distance and other people, we are still connected.  It makes no sense, at all, for us to continue to nurture these emotions, this connection, this thing.
 
But, “love u” is still so bizarre.
 
I have no idea how it will be when I see him, except that I expect it will be wonderful.  I really do.  I shouldn’t go into this situation with high expectations, but I am because it’s always felt real and true.
 
I want to reschedule for as soon as possible.  With work travel and holidays, etc., it will likely be another month.  But soon we will travel to see each other and it will be wonderful.
 
Perhaps, after that, he can say “love you” and I can know he means it.
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