Tuesday evening, I freaked out about the LDF texting “Love u.” Wednesday night, I finally texted “Love you” to him.
I was drinking, on a date, and yet . . .
LDF is traveling for work — as usual — and had been having dinner with one of his best friends in that city.
I’d messaged him earlier through FB: “Miss you.” Actually, earlier in the morning, I messaged him:
Clever trick to haunt my dreams looking even more handsome than I remember. Missing you more than ever. xoxo
I was still a little uncomfortable about the whole love u thing the night before so upping the affection seemed reasonable. His response was a simple : ) .
Late Wednesday evening, at 1135, I messaged him “Miss you.” According to read receipts, he didn’t see it until 1245 am my time.
About 30 minutes later, I got a text:
LDF: Missing u 12:06 AM
Me: > > I will see you soon, baby. Miss you. ❤ 12:15 AM
LDF: Missing u huge. 12:17 AM
LDF: In [city] 12:17 AM
Me: I promise I will see you soon. Miss you so much. Xoxo 12:20 AM
LDF: I'm holding you too that promise! I meet so many amazing people but noone quite like you.. 12:21 AM
Me: That's exactly how I feel. : ) I meet amazing people, but no one like you. 12:26 AM
LDF: : ) love it 12:27 AM
Me: Love it?! : ) Love you. I will see you soon. 12:31 AM
Me: Cannot wait to wrap my arms around you… 12:31 AM
LDF: Wish it was now.. 12:35 AM
Me: Me, too.. : ) 12:36 AM
LDF: : ) 12:38 AM
Me: Soon. Soon. Soon. 12:39 AM
Me: ❤ 12:39 AM
Me: Very soon, I will 1:15 AM
This morning, I posted something to Facebook just for him, which he liked. Of course.
We are speaking privately in public. None of our people are connected. My friends know his identity. He met a few of my people when he met me. I met a few of his people when he didn’t make it back here in march.
Since we had our issue last week about my trip, our manner of speaking has shifted, especially mine. I am becoming more openly affectionate in my messages to him. I am often sending him xoxo, which I had never done.
We turned the corner recently from friendship to something slightly more. Or, at least I am more explicit about it. Perhaps his “miss u” was always about sex and romance. Mine was, but never explicitly until my trip last month didn’t happen and I realized he was expecting a rekindling of our physical connection.
It had always been in the background, but I was not sure of how he felt. Or what else was happening. And now, it is explicit.
I joked with him last week after the trip meltdown:
And, I *might* be a little stressed out at the moment: I just threatened to fly to [city] to beat up my […]…
LDF: hehehe no prob! yes that sounds stressed
Me: Well, threats of physical violence from a ballerina are delightfully absurd. : )
LDF: i like it actually. lets include that in bedroom activity
Because of course we have always been connected like that. I just didn’t want to presume that we were still where we were.
But, of course we were.
It’s just my insecurity that convinced me that there was less, that there were dozens, hundreds, thousands of other women, just like me.
And, there are other women.
But there are not other women like me.
I loved this: “I meet so many amazing people but noone quite like you..” And I meant my response to him: “That's exactly how I feel. : ) I meet amazing people, but no one like you.”
Because we are connected on these deep levels, and we have maintained this connection for so many months.
Each day, we are getting closer together, not further apart.
I forgot that our connection was as real and meaningful for him as it has been for me.
The love part . . . it is not real. Not entirely. Except it is.
That’s what this has been about, ultimately. We met, we partied, we bonded, we had sex, we slept and then had more sex and talked and laughed and made plans and lost our way and never lost our connection.
That thing connecting us has deepened and blossomed and grown. And it’s more real now than it would have been had I seen him in March.
It is developing more daily. We chose to be together. When he realized I was going to fly in just to see him, it changed further and I pulled back and he pushed forward.
And now, here we are. Still apart, still living our lives, but knowing that we share this deep connection. Knowing, I suppose, that we do actually love each other.