Consider this

Consider this, the hint of the century

Consider this, the slip

That brought me to my knees, failed

What if all these fantasies come

Flailing around

Now I’ve said too much

When LP died — and was revived — in the back of the ambulance, a lot of things started changing for me.

Too many to mention. Too humiliating to admit.

But of course this is the place where I hold myself accountable.

I have slept with a lot of men since then. LP and I broke up forever. I had a mini-nervous breakdown when I realized I was not actually crazy — that he was a terrible abusive person [I told him he was the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. He cried.]. The next day, he texted me “hello love. ”

I have slept with two bartenders, a very handsome man I met on the street with whom I had late-night breakfast, and a bodyguard. All of them were 30 or under. With the exception of the bodyguard, all were while I was dating GT. The bartenders were friends of mine — one I’ve known for a long time, one I had just met who was the friend of a friend — not men who waited on me but still that’s really where my head was. They were very attractive, I was very bored, and I decided to just live.

My experimentation post LP’s heart attack hasn’t been limited to random sex. I am experimenting with being a better me.

It may sound counterintuitive, but I feel healthier than I have a very long time. I feel as though it making better choices. They’re not choices that would work for everyone, I know that, but they’re working for me.

Between the time I slept with the man I met on the street who was within my social group and had both at the same parties I have been to the last few weeks I decided to take a month off from sex.

I needed to.

That lasted five weeks. During my break, GT and I finally ended things. We should’ve ended things before. I did find him dull. But it was nice to have a guaranteed plus one for anything that I needed. Interestingly, I’m continuing to get invited by our mutual friends to events that he is not.

Then I slept with a bodyguard who pursued me ardently online and via text for weeks before having sex with me, following up nonstop the next day, barely in days after and then nothing.

I’m not surprised. It wasn’t serious. And he’s young.

GT told me that he was afraid things were moving too fast. I had had sex with three other men. But, what had occurred to me, is that younger men have very different perspectives on serious versus fun.

Which leads me to last weekend.

I have now replaced all of the twentysomethings in my life with thirtysomethings and the fortysomethings.

I am happier, life is better, and life feels just a little more serious.

I have had “Losing My Religion” stuck in my head from the moment LP called me upon being released from the hospital, after four days in cardiac ICU. Strangely, he’s been obsessed with REM, playing it in the car with his daughter.

We are still in each other’s lives. Even post-definitive breakup, I am still talking to him, still having brunch with him when he is in town, still kissing him. But, I’m different with it.

If he were a regular man and not someone who capitvated my brain, my heart, my life, I would have long ago walked away. I have walked now. My dating appropriate(er) men is a demonstration that I want something more real in my life. That my favorite guy is not entirely available is a story for a different post.

I am still me, but I feel like a better, healthier me.