Today, I am intentionally pulling back from The Writer as it also appears he is pulling back from me.
No morning calls on the way to work or on the way home. A few texts sprinkled here and there. I texted him to ask if he had plans for the opening of a new film by our favorite director. His response “ohyes.” So, my plan to have that be a date, clearly not happening.
Today I have distracted myself in many ways,
None of those ways have been going out with other people. I had options, just no desire to do it.
Tomorrow, I have a gala and I see PR — my former sweetheart — and I just wanted to take some time to pause and reflect on everything happening.
There is a lot going on about which I have not tweeted.
Most of my time is filled with figuring my life out, my career out, my finances out.
Being with the Writer, not just since we have started this ill-fated romance, but before we had met, has improved my perspective on things.
It’s all part and parcel of the changes I started undergoing in earnest six months ago, when I had that epiphany with the Long-Distance Fling’s friend.
I am better in my life, even though my life is so much more chaotic and unstable.
I am dating other people than the Writer. I have had sex with or come damned close to having sex with the man I am calling the “formerly hot realtor” — still attractive, but 15 lbs heavier than ALL of the pictures he sent me — and a lawyer who reminds me of BFD.
I am seeing the LDF in October — and sooner if we can schedule it. And LP texts me “hello love” far more often than he should.
So, I have other people in my life.
I am writing all of this because I have wanted to text “miss you” to the Writer all day long. I haven’t. I’ve been very circumspect. I think we’ve exchanged under 10 messages where our normal number is hundreds.
He has pulled back, it feels, since yesterday when he was here.
I could be overreacting, of course, but I don’t think I am. I think I am being hyper-sensitive, but I have noticed a change.
It is okay,
It is probably very very very smart.
He is married. And, I know he is married, and monogamy “is not important” to him. He got married too young and they have an understanding and that’s cool for them.
He always reminds me he’s not jealous, but I don’t always tell him when I have dates with other people. Rather, I always tell him when I am with girlfriends or the reporter or something. When I am on a date, I am mostly silent.
There is a difference between “not being jealous” and knowing I slept with two other guys between the time we met and the second time we saw each other, like four days later.
I don’t know how many other women he is seeing. Until today, I assumed it was just me because the volume of our interplay was so much. Now, who knows. It appears he is home with his family. His little green fb chat light is on (so is mine).
Ultimately, I can’t avoid reaching out to him.
At 939 pm, when I have seen he’s been on twitter, etc.., I message him through facebook. It’s the least obtrusive. LIke, check it or not, but it doesn’t go to a lock screen or whatever.
“How is America’s sexiest [Writer] this evening?”
“readin [intense novel he’s reviewing]”
We talk food for a few minutes and then he asks me what I am doing this evening, which is honestly “Not a thing. Writing for the past few hours.” “Nice.” “U are crazy hot.”
We talk more about his work, and I acknowledge I gave him space while he was working. He’s very chatty though, so we move our conversation to text from facebook. And it’s very sexually charged. We have this energy between us that is really strong. We are explicitly talking through our next sexual adventure and I know it will be amazing.
For now, I am trying to distract myself. We have been so close so often over the course of a week, it’s a little scary.