One part of our Sunday conversation that was a little . . . odd . . . was about birth control.
We have used condoms every time we have had sex. The last couple of times he entered me without one on at first, but quickly wrapped up.
And he used one the last time even though birth control was unnecessary.
I know, without him explicitly saying it, why he’s so careful: married.
He asked if I were on the pill. I’m not, I told him/ reminded him, it makes me profoundly depressed.
He stumbled a bit over his next words, which is unusual, for him. I am paraphrasing: “it’s just that um if we uh ever were to not use a condom, would that be cool with you?”
I told him yes I’d be open, especially when it’s not necessary for birth control.
He stammered a bit more: “well, there are a few reasons but um, I was just curious.”
I have no idea why he wanted to bring it up. I am cool with the fact we use condoms, obviously. We are not in a sexually monogamous relationship, so it’s ridiculous for us to have unprotected sex.
He is not the only one having sex outside of our relationship. Obviously, I am, too. Always safely, but I have slept with someone else while I have been seeing him, and I likely will with others. (The LDF is back here in 8 weeks and we are already counting the days.)
I have become much more sexually liberated this summer, sort of in the same way I casually dabbled in drugs with the Bon Vivant, I have dabbled in expanding my own willingness to take chances from time to time.
There have always been moments of ending up in bed with an ex or sleeping with someone quickly (the Long-Distance Fling), but now I have stopped holding myself to weird guidelines. It’s misogynistic that my male friends can sleep with a bunch of different women, but I can’t choose to have sex with someone because I am a woman. My virtue is valuable as an historical construct.
I don’t think less of myself because I have slept with over the past year . . . [actually counting as I write this] the Editor (2012 edition), the LDF, the tech exec, GT, the three guys while I was dating GT, the bodyguard, the Writer, and the formerly hot realtor. Is it a lot? Sure. Does it make me a bad person, or somehow easy? Nope.
I am in control of what I do sexually and I am comfortable with what I am doing and with whom.
I would love to be in a relationship that is solid and loving and monogamous, but I haven’t found anyone worth having that relationship with and I am not going to stop dating until I do.
Were the Writer single, he could be a contender. The fact that he’s not means we are careful about safe sex. We are also careful about safe everything. This is intense — at least at the moment.
We are in daily contact with regular text messages flying back and forth and frequent phone calls. Today — so far — is the first time I have not spoken to him. It’s about 730 pm and I have to get ready for a . . . date-type thing with our mutual friend the Editor (2013, ed.), and I have carefully avoided reaching out to him today. It’s a holiday and he is presumably with his family.
(Which he also was when texting me at 8 and at 10 last night. Last night, we were both in bed chatting via text until he sent “I gotta hop baby,” but then proceeded to text me for another five minutes.)
I am respectful of his marriage and the fact I am NOT his primary relationship. I may not be his secondary relationship, though I would presume I am from the volume of messages and calls. We have become very close over the past month, and seemingly closer every day. I am okay if we miss a day talking. I saw him twice last week and I will likely see him once or twice this week.
I am much more worried/concerned/perplexed to know how tonight will be with the Editor 2013, ed. He is also married, and it is about him that the Writer asked me if I were dating him and I replied shocked “he’s married.” Right. So, this is my first time seeing the Editor since I’ve known the Writer. (They are socially but not professionally connected.) And we are going out for cocktails. And, who knows . . .
I am, unlike, the previous times we have gone out for drinks or dinner, actually open to the discussion if it comes up.