When LP unexpectedly saved me, by hiring me to frame a project we have been discussing and for which, depending upon the work I do, could lead to me creating my dream company and landing my dream job, a lot of things changed.
I called my dearest friends, the ones who know how much I have been suffering. And I texted the Writer, who has become so dear to me.
And his reactions have given me pause.
Our initial text exchange was fine. It’s nice actually. He’s genuinely happy for me and proud of me.
Me: So, I am suddenly financially solvent 9:47 AM
Me: In other words, having a rather outstanding day 9:47 AM
Him: Yay!!!! 9:47 AM
Me: Just got hired to frame this […] project, and he offered me a 5k retainer 9:48 AM
Me: And handed me a check 9:48 AM
Him: Ahhhhhhh 10:07 AM
Him: Awesome! 10:07 AM
Him: Go find a fucking apartment 10:07 AM
Him: Ma’am. 10:07 AM
Me: Lol. I’m beyond happy because that pitch I was telling you I was going to write and deliver… I just got retained to do 10:08 AM
Him: Sweet!!!! 10:09 AM
Me: So um I just got paid to create my own dream job 10:09 AM
Him: That is HOT 10:09 AM
Me: Yes. Which means everything I’ve been working on in life … I am going to get to do 10:10 AM
Me: We are creating a new […]. 10:11 AM
Him: Really proud of you, sweetie 10:11 AM
Me: Thanks. I am so thrilled I had to text you right away. 10:12 AM
Him: I am flattered : ) 10:12 AM
Me: I know you (reasonably) worry, so I had to share this great news. And exhale 10:14 AM
Him: So so impressed, sweetie. 10:16 AM
Him: So where do you wanna live? 10:16 AM
Me: Hmm, somewhere near your office ; ) 10:19 AM
Me: That’s something I need to figure out. Probably somewhere around here. 10:20 AM
Him: Dude you get one of condos behind my officw and we can fuck every day : P 10:27 AM
Me: New nickname: “Smoke break” 10:29 AM
Him: Srsly 10:29 AM
The apartment thing is for my benefit, not his. He knows how stressful this is. But there is a benefit for him, of course. I have my own place, and we can see each other without worrying about my housemates, the dogs, etc.
He calls me on the phone a little later (12:21 pm) and things start to go a little sideways.
That part is likely my fault. The Writer and I work in different parts of the same industry. I am only thinking about how this affects me, my clients, and my work. It did not occur to me that the Writer would hear what we are doing and begin envisioning a role for himself.
And, frankly, while he understands who LP is in my life, it is unlikely he gets the full import of LP in my life. Because really, who could? It’s sort of insane. And part of this whole deal is that I am working for/with someone I have loved and tormented and been tormented by for years, who is the other half of my brain.
So, setting aside that the chief backer is someone who loves and desires me intensely STILL, he is also my ex-boyfriend. And the Writer knows this. He knows exactly who LP has been in my life and the fact that he nearly died changed MY life trajectory. He knows this.
Which is why I am deeply troubled by what he said to me on the phone.
He calls me and it’s great. He’s driving to a meeting, negotiating his way through mid-day traffic and he reiterates “sweetie, i am so proud of you and so happy for you.” He wants me to know this.
I tell him this is not apartment money at the moment. This is stanch the bleeding money.
He understands, he’s just worried about me in a temporary living situation.
He asks about salary and I tell him what I would reasonably expect, and laugh that it’s less than LP makes in a month. (My math is off, but it’s close.)
But then it goes off the rails for me. He says, “you know, once you’re funded and up and running, you should hire me. I am really well-connected in this space, and I am very good at this.” He tosses a number out. A reasonable number, but a number.
And I am uncomfortable because it never occurred to me that he would see my good news as an opportunity for himself.
I do not know that I would want to hire my boyfriend/lover/dude to work with me and my once/future ex under any circumstances. Plus, he’s a writer, so he’s VERY connected, with a well-defined taste and a huge audience and he could be good for marketing, but I don’t think I need him for business development.
All of this is purely speculation, but I am uncomfortable with this.
And then it gets worse.
At 140 pm, he emails me: subject: increasingly jazzed by your news. Message: and not just b/c I want in if it is Real. : )
Which is not cool. Like, it’s just not.
I wait an hour and a half to reply:
Ha. it’s intriguing, isn’t it?
You, me, the future of […].
Think i could requisition a bed in my office: “I need it to ‘[industry thing].'”?
If my new nickname is “smoke break,” yours will be “[industry thing].”
It’s a huge deal.
And it is the culminatination of a lot of work I’ve done for years.
I am really really excited.
I am surprised that we went from “let’s have breakfast” to “here’s a check, go do it. “
I am honored and thrilled and (weirdly) exceptionally calm. I’ve been waiting to get called back up to the majors. And now I have my shot. And I am better and smarter than I was before.
So now, I am smiling, charging my phone, and drinking ridiculously expensive coffee.
Next week, we celebrate this small step forward.
There is a lot I am trying to say to him here. There is a lot I am saying to him. And I am being MUCH more explicit than I would normally have been. I quoted him back the piece I found offensive. I reminded him that this is the culmination of years of work and that this is just a small step forward.
He doesn’t really hear me. He’s pitching me. I know he is.
And he doesn’t hear just how offensive this is to me.
I really enjoy the Writer. He is very dear to me and my life is better because he’s in it. And he genuinely cares for me and is proud of me and all of that.
But, this has given me pause. This is about me. This is not about him or about us.
Because he is married, there is no “us.” There is him and his wife and their family. Were I to hire him, how awkward would that be?!
This will be hard enough having to deal with LP as a financial and management backer in the short-term no less long-term. Adding the Writer into the mix is ridiculous.
I am still offended he asked and the more I think about it, the more I question everything.