This is news I feel sort of comfortable sharing here and not sharing elsewhere: I have stopped drinking.

For now. Maybe forever.

I have stopped rather than cut-back because I think it will be easier and healthier for me to say no to all then yes to some.

There was a precipitating event.  

Rather, a precipitating weekend, which wrapped with me drunk at a show.  I don’t remember the end or what happened or how much money I spent.  I remember being wired from a small amount of coke I’d done earlier at a party, which enabled me to drink more.  Which is never a good idea.

So, I have decided to stop drinking.  Normally, that woudn’t be a thing, but I am a socialite, I go to a lot of cocktail parites and my friends party. A lot.

We are pampered and privileged and entiteld in ways that are perhaps ugly.

I am, too.  And, I am still poor, though less poor than before.  I am paying rent and paying bills and functioning in society.

What I realized about doing a little coke is that the way that I like to feel — wired, up, energized — is incompatible with the way alcohol makes me feel.  And, if I keep drinking a lot, I am going to want to do more coke.  And, I have now gotten to the point where I have zero deleterious effects from coke.

So, for now, and maybe forever, I want to be more focused, more aware, more locked in to what is happening around me.

A glass of wine, a cocktail or two, would be fine, but I don’t want them.

Instead, I am going to experiment with sobriety for now.  I am on a path to lose weight.  I have gained a little — I am still a size 4 and small, but I don’t like this as much as being much thinner.  

It’s something I am doing for me.

I will be telling people it is about diet, but that’s not true.  It’s about sobriety.  It’s about being hyper aware all the time.  It’s about focusing on myself and being present in every moment.

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