My darling LDF is not exactly mine.  It’s a truth of which I am constantly aware.

We live far from each other, we are seeing other people, he is a playboy, I am a socialite with an equally full dance card.

We love each other dearly and ardently, but there are other people in our lives.

if the LDF bothered to check my twitter or instagram, he would have seen the outline of LP sitting across from me: on Saturday evening, with two cups of coffee, two small waters, a man in an elegant jacket, his hand holding a phone.  I was on a date with my handsome and charming on and off boyfriend of more years than we should count.

I say all of this because I saw something on the LDF’s Facebook that shook me and resulted in one of the weirder exchanges in our entire relationship.

And when I mentioned it later to a couple of friends of mine, they immediately opened with um, aren’t you dating LP . . . And everyone else?!

Yes, but that is not the point.

Here is what happened.

The LDF posting something innocuous to facebook about working on the holiday. I chimed in about 8 responses in. That means that every comment after mine pushes to my phone and ipad.

So, within 15 minutes, several messages, almost all from women, pinged my screen.  And then one in particular, which was a little incoherent, from a very beautiful blonde woman who also lives elsewhere. It mentioned an upcoming trip he had to the state where she lives and that he should come visit her even though he was not going to be close to where she was.  There was a reference to a thing that he has said to me.

i have never ever thought I was the only one.

i have assumed — not incorrectly — that there are many other women.  He has said — and I do believe him — that there is no one quite like me.

I recoiled from the whole thing, realizing just how fucking aggravating it is to have to be confronted with someone else’s relationship with my dude.

Our private lives are rather private.  His friends and employees know who I am, but we are not regularly posting things to each other’s pages. When he was here, I mentioned him innocuously along with R, but otherwise, it was silent.

Yesterday, however, was a really really bad fucking day. I had a small money problem caused by a client’s failure to pay me that became a huge deal and I spent the day in tears.

Before things went completely off the rails for me, I sent him a message:

“There is nothing so humbling as posting a comment on your Facebook page.” 4:16 pm

At 4:32, the LDF responds: “hahaha why lovey”

I . . . was dealing with other things. Sobbing downstairs. Entering a scary bargain.

What I wanted to tell him was “So. Many. [Planners].” There are so many of me and it’s okay that there are so many of me, but goddamn it can be very fucking humbling when their messages to him ping my screen.

There is nothing quite like the exquisitely painful reminder that you are one of many.

But I couldn’t say anything.

I was trying to come up with money to save my belongings in storage, and I couldn’t calculate how to put So. Many. Planners. into words that let him know that I was (1) okay with the fact that I am One Of Many, and (2) understanding that yeah, even among the Many, we’re still us and this is still real.  It’s delicate and frankly I was deeply upset about things that had zero to do with him and the pain I felt from this reminder was very small compared to everything else.

So, I said nothing.

More than an hour after my initial message, he responded again. More panicked this time.

LDF:  ?????   5:24 pm

LDF: bc of all the assholes who respond? 5:24 pm

By this point, the offending comment after mine had been deleted, whether common sense kicked in or he said something to her, I have no idea.

Now, I responded, “Ha. No. Sorry was mid-crisis for a minute.”  5:26 pm

LDF, now confused, doesn’t understand I am referring to my lack of response:

LDF: ???  5:29 pm

LDF:  ok baby  5:29 pm

I stare at my screen for a while, now in a car with W, who has saved me again.

Five minutes later, I respond back: “Today has been really rough. Work crisis and no one else is working.” 5:33 pm

LDF: ah sorry babe love you

Me:  Thanks, baby. Love you too. Can’t wait to see you. Soon (ish)

LDF: yea!!!  5:54 pm

An hour later, I compliment him on the photos from last weekend’s event. He looked so handsome, as I told him. He replied back immediately with Ah! Thanks [TP]!!  I followed up wishing him a great trip this week and that I wanted to see more photos his handsome face.

It occurred to me later that I never explained the issue, and it was making me uncomfortable.  I wanted to let him know that we were okay, but that I was aware I hadn’t answered him.

I suspect he knew what I meant, which is why he was so alarmed.  Between his first response, and nearly an hour later with no response from me, he might looked and realized what I would have found “humbling.”

So I messaged him again: “Just realized I never responded back substantively when my afternoon exploded. We’re cool, though.”  8:42 pm

[Which is the universal sign for We Are Not Cool]

He responded back at 9:31 pm: “of course we’re good”

To which I immediately responded: “baby, we’re amazing. ; ) ”

[Which is a frequent thing we say]

LDF: : )

Again, it’s not that there are other women . . . of course there are. It’s that I wanted to acknowledge to him that I am aware that they exist, that I am cool with the fact that he is living his life, but that it’s not always easy to have that stuff forced on me.

It is hard that there are So Many Planners because I know or suspect that I am in fact the most important of them.

My relationship with the LDF is weird and complicated and real.  The things I feel, he feels.

When I sent him that message and then went silent, he panicked. Which he should have.  We know each other intuitively and the fact I said something at all indicated this was a thing.

I am, for whatever reason, very important to him. We are in love.

Does that make sense? Nope.

It just doesn’t.

But, it’s real and I love him and he loves me and we are really counting down the days until we get to be together for almost a week, and then our trip after. And then and then and then.

I think back to his very explicit statement about the event here: “Big plans there (for my personal and professional life)”

So, yes, there are a lot of other women, and a lot of women who are constantly making plays for him.

But I am special to him. And he is special to me.

I just need to remember to never comment on his facebook.