This new eating regime I have started to jumpstart my diet is beginning to have unintended consequences.

Mainly, it’s triggering my eating disorder and affecting my social life.

I am hiding it from nearly everyone in my life.  I am intending to eat this way for at least a week instead of the 4 days scheduled.  And, once I am back in town after seeing the LDF, I am planning to resume it.

I am drinking raw, cold-pressed juice and eating raw vegetables and nuts. That’s it.

My calorie intake is under 800 a day.

And yet, I am enjoying being back in control.  

I am not drinking alcohol. I am not drinking coffee. I am not eating or even tempted to eat regular food.

I am sitting mere feet away from food I love and it’s not appealing at all.  In fact, nothing is as appealing as looking and feeling better.

I do not intend to become vegan or anything like that.  I just feel better. I do not even mind having to put my social life on hold.

I had “breakfast” with RA this morning. My darling best girlfriend who is having a rough time at work (more startup issues) ate a normal breakfast. I bought and drank a bottle of jalapeño infused juice. It feels normal.

I am having business “coffee” with my ex-bf PR later. He suggested lunch and I demurred, claiming an earlier lunch meeting.

There will only be so long I can hide this — I think.  There is no reason to hide it, as I am doing nothing wrong.  It just feels a bit extreme. 

It also is the rich girl solution to a common weight problem: sure, I’ll just drink $8-10/bottle juice and embrace my lululemon clad, pilates lifestyle.

That’s not me. Or at least it’s not really me.  

RA pointed out all of the things about me and my appearance that are different since we saw each other six weeks ago: my skin looks amazing, my eye make up is exceptionally stylish (and a bit avant garde), new jewelry, new clothes, new everything. She has newly done, newly colored $400 hair, and lots of new toys as well.  Once we got these great jobs after freelancing, we started living right again.  It’s funny that when do not have to sweat every single dime, we returned to our happy places that include spending money on clothes and accessories and self-care.

When I am working nonstop, I end up spending more money on little things that make my life easier. It’s still buying stuff on sale — or very smartly. RA is doing the same thing. We want, we need, we spend, but carefully and strategically.

Except for this diet.

My raw plan is costing me about $40/day. That’s pretty expensive for food/the absence of food: $280/week. That’s still probably less than I normally spend on food, as I do a lot of entertaining in restaurants and at bars.  Because I have curtailed my social life, I am saving money.

This is temporary.  Maybe 45 more days over the course of the summer.

In two days, I have lost 3.6 pounds.  If I keep losing a pound or so a day, I am going to keep going. When it stops working, then I will return to Atkins. 

I have 20 more pounds I could lose to get down to my favorite weight (at which everyone thinks I am too thin). I am at least losing another 15 from here.

The enforced discipline has helped me stop drinking, which has stopped me from eating mindlessly.

I’ve gotten lazy after years in a well-controlled weight range. When my life became chaotic, my weight was the least of my concerns.  It feels good to be back worried about it again, especially on this plan, which does not feel much like worry.  It feels easy.  It is easy.  I am drinking juice and eating raw salads and nuts.  

There is no mystery, no real thought required, no meals to plan. Breakfast, lunch, snacks are juice and nuts. Dinner is prepared in the amount of time it takes me to stir together a vinaigrette.

My biggest concern had been that my brain wouldn’t work as well, but I am drinking relatively low glycemic juice (no, really) and continuing to eat protein and fat filled nuts and to enjoy a juice with hemp milk that has protein. My brain seems to be just fine.

For now, it’s working and I feel good.

When that changes, then my diet will change.

Because I am now obsessed with my weight, I am in danger of sliding back into disordered thinking. But, to be perfectly honest, that disordered thinking is always present. I still don’t know what I look like. I didn’t recognize myself in a mirror last week. My face was so much bigger than it looks in my head.  I do not know with any certainty which is accurate.

So, social life is briefly on hold — which is for the best as I sort out my life with the LDF and my job with LP — and my job is back on track and my finances survived car vs pole (great body shop, awesome quote) and my diet is raw.

Now, I am back focused on what matters to me.

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