It has been forever since I updated this. Possibly the best reflection of where and who I am in life is in this post:
I have changed and grown a lot over the years and my struggles and insecurities are on every page. Things are better in my life because I am better In my life.
Some important people to whom I regularly refer:
LDF, my “long-distance fling,” who I met here 14 months ago. At the moment, we are deeply in love.
LP, my rock star lawyer on and off relationship. I met him nearly five years ago. We have dated on and off for years, including as recently as last night.
RA, my best girlfriend, who keeps me honest about everything.
R, who is fast becoming my other best girlfriend, along with RA. The three of us are incredibly close and positive forces for change in each other’s lives.
W, my best guy friend and current housemate.
The Writer, who I non-exclusively dated for four months at the end of 2013. It’s complicated but he made me a better girlfriend to both the LDF and LP.
A, essentially my ex-husband, we have now been apart longer than we were together. He’s still family.
This site began as a fresh start in life, a public journal as I made what I hoped would be big changes — new body, new life, new love, new career. After 18 months, in painful, excruciating, and obnoxious detail, this is where we are. Big Changes. New body. New life. New love. New career.
New Body: I successfully lost more than 40 pounds and have kept it off. I cycle on and off my food plan when I hit the top end of my range, but I have been a size 4 for over a year and I am generally happy with how I look in photos and in clothes.
New Life: After the breakup of a long relationship and the recovery aftermath, I had to figure out how to reconnect to friends and to the world. I needed to figure out who I wanted to be in the world, which is mostly an enhanced version of who I’ve always been. I accept my flaws and try to soften the rougher edges. I am stronger and more connected and it feels pretty great on a regular basis to be me. I am still tortured by self-doubt and the sense of impending doom and I spend too much time in my head, but whatever, I am happier more often than not and I feel better all the time.
New Love: It is hard to believe we’re coming up on 10 tortured months, but I happened to fall in love with the perfect man for me BFD It’s been hard every step of the way, but we’ve been together and committed since we met. I look back at early journal entries and cringe at the volume of things I misunderstood, how every missed call felt enormous. We have some serious issues related to our current economic disparity: he is actually very never-needs-to-work-another-day-in-his-life wealthy, and I am legitimately poor thanks to bad decisions and the global financial crisis. But, we are well-educated, well-credentialed, socially active, passionate about the same philanthropic interests, and have similar socio-economic backgrounds. For the most part it works, and when it doesn’t we fight and laugh and reassure and fix it.
New career: Thanks to BFD, I am launching a new, somewhat unexpected career that, frankly, benefits him and his business. It was always obvious though I never saw it, enables me to be independent from him and everyone else, and will keep us in each other’s lives for years. Let’s see if we come to regret it . . .
Below are the other versions of my about me and the cast of characters.
The Cast of Characters
BFD is the new new man, with whom I had the best first date ever (hence “BFD” — he is also kind of a big effing deal.) It is very early, but it feels real. We are very comfortable, very compatible, and very passionate. We met on a dating site — and we are shocked that we found each other. I have refused to accept he is my boyfriend, which drives everyone crazy, but I am slowly coming around.
BP is my very close friend and business partner. I was sort of dating him, mostly secretly, for a few weeks in Summer 2008. I speak to him constantly, including after dates with other people. He does not know I am dating, but he should. He should know that if he is attracted to me and pursuing me, other men like him would, too. I would tell him if he asked. He wants me to be his girlfriend, but I have declined. He “officially” ending things we me in November, though we had not been on a date in almost 3 months.
A is my ex. He called an end to things in the summer of 2007 after many, many years together. We are still very close. We reached a solid financial settlement with which we are both happy.
AR is the “Alternate Reality.” My ex named him that and A still harbors guilt about not breaking up with me with AR was still single. We love each other, but we’ve never dated. It’s rather sad when timing is just so completely off. He’s married and that’s all there is to it. I am his alternate reality, too.
JF is one of my best friends. He’s also an ass. We all believe he has a secret, but none of us know what it is.
W is the most judgmental of my best friends. He believes he knows best, though his marriage and divorce are the stuff of legend for bone-headed, tone-deaf, bizarrely incompetent life choices.
E rounds out my trio of best friends. He is shockingly normal and balanced. We cannot figure out why he is our friend. He has been with his girlfriend K, for more than a year. She has become a dear friends and a great source of advice.
My best friends are a little family and we’ve all been friends for more than a decade. They believe, erroneously, that they get a vote on my life and my relationships.
The more minor players:
XP is my ex-business partner and ex-boyfriend, who I dated before A. He was my boyfriend before we went into business together. He badly broke my heart by cheating on me in the most humiliating way possible.
Q is a model I dated between XP and A with whom I share a mild eating disorder. We are still friends.
X is an ex-friend. Things ended so badly between us he ignored the single business email I sent him in a year and defriended me on myspace. That means he’s an idiot, but I did not know that until he acted like a petulant toddler. Also, according to everyone here, he was completely in love with me. I was completely oblivious. Of course.
N was a new guy. He’s interesting, successful. He has his own wikipedia page. He wants to date me, but it just won’t work out. I rejected him rather publicly after all of my subtle “I am not available this month” comments did not deliver the adequate message. I still see him socially.
I wrote this originally at the end of January, 2008 about myself and never published it:
I am grasping tightly to my 30s, single after a relationship of [many years], and reclaiming control over all aspects of my personal life, home life, and career.
In general, I like who I am and I like how my brain works. I love what I do as a career though I am, as of now, shockingly undercompensated for it.
I have a very close relationship with my mother and brother, my ex A, my extended family (especially one cousin who is like my younger sister), and my three best non-relative friends W, E, and JF, who are all adorable men I have known for more than a decade.
I have a business partner. He’s a good friend and I love him like a member of my family, though my current awful financial situation is largely his fault. Or my fault for not being rich like him and better able to withstand delays.
I have lost more than 38 pounds since I started the journal on December 27, 2007 and almost 50 pounds since March, 2007.
I did it almost exclusively through diet. To maintain, I am now exercising and continuing to monitor my intake. I have been in maintenance for nearly 6 months.
I have body image problems and a minor eating disorder. I struggle to see myself as I am, which gets easier each day.