I am in love.
I could say it differently, but I realized as the Long-Distance Fling was lying in my arms as he slept that I love him. That I am in love with him.
His skin under my finger tips felt electric and I watched him sleep, the rise and fall of his chest, his random kisses as he shifted positions.
He was in my arms, his head on my shoulder, our bodies entwined and I felt joy. Unparalleled joy.
This morning, I awoke in bed next to GT and realized I felt a little giddy. There was a charge of electricity between us and I felt a little different.
We had met late for drinks among our friends. The Reporter and I had been at a show a few blocks away and GT and I has spoken earlier: he had friends in town, so we knew we would see each other but hadn’t decided where. I joked that meant the district in which I had re-met him and on which we went for date three.
Which is — of course — exactly where they went.
I had been feeling a little insecure about everything. We have fallen into a routine some 5 or 6 weeks in: we go out on Saturdays, but without planning it ahead of time. There just seems to be a presumption that Saturday equals time with GT. Still, we hadn’t confirmed anything and The Reporter had invited me to an event in the hipster part of town we also frequent, and so I went with the Reporter, without saying a word to GT.
I figured that eventually we would all meet up, and then I would eventually leave downtown with GT. But, I was also very insecure about it all. Even toward the end of the evening, I was measuring and calculating exactly what would happen. I was the only person unsure.
I have not slept much for a couple of days, but I could not be happier.
Last night, I went to an opening with Software Developer and the Reporter and it was exquisite.
It started with brunch with RA, then wine flights with RA, then this opening, then cocktails at a new bar, then with SD’s friends, then barhopping with them with us, until everyone left but me and two of SD’s friends.
We after partied, I slept in bed with one of them and then we rolled into a late brunch.
It was, in short, the best day ever.
Tuesday evening, I freaked out about the LDF texting “Love u.” Wednesday night, I finally texted “Love you” to him.
I was drinking, on a date, and yet . . .
LDF is traveling for work — as usual — and had been having dinner with one of his best friends in that city.
I’d messaged him earlier through FB: “Miss you.” Actually, earlier in the morning, I messaged him:
Clever trick to haunt my dreams looking even more handsome than I remember. Missing you more than ever. xoxo
I was still a little uncomfortable about the whole love u thing the night before so upping the affection seemed reasonable. His response was a simple : ) .
Tonight, the two men in my life each responded back adorably to a text message with “me too.”
The LDF responded “Me too!!! :)” when I told him toward the end of our text chat: “Wish your trip this week were to [here].”
LP responded “Me too” when I told him “I am great. Miss you. Xoxo.” after he rapid-fire responded with three texts to a message I’d sent 30 minutes before.
Though I am seeing a few people, I really only have only two men in my life, even though neither is really in my life.
I had a moment of clarity tonight when I saw that my Long-Distance Fling (LDF) was on twitter, which he never is. I quickly scanned my feed, just to be sure it was clean.
The joke has always been that it was my inner beauty that was so attractive. It’s not.
I joke in my dating profile that the first thing people notice is my personality.
I can be kind of a bitch.
More importantly, I am beautiful.
Those are hard words for me to write.
They were, rather.
They were hard words to think.
Because, despite it all, I haven’t felt I am. I’ve not felt beautiful; I’ve felt lucky.
That makes an enormous difference in how you approach the world.
There was a small reference to drama in my last post that was external to us.
As I expected when it happened, I knew it would affect him deeply and meaningfully. It did.
He derailed completely.
Late thursday night, he drunkenly picked a fight with me via text that — in the heat of the moment — I interpreted as a finality. At one point, he texted “leave me alone.” In fact, I announced to my friends that I was now single.