Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Now I’ve said too much
When LP died — and was revived — in the back of the ambulance, a lot of things started changing for me.
Last night, I was working from the sofa and LP, my impossible to categorize love, texted me.
I’d sent him a message earlier, with a request I never make: ” I’d like to get on your calendar some time over the next 7 days. When can you fit me me in?”
It took two hours for him to respond, which was more than enough time for me to get my nose out of joint and compose many unsent tweets.
When he finally did, it was a check in that was a little strange about work and the weather and became a discussion about restaurants where I was trying to figure out if he was trying to ask me to dinner or help him pick a restaurant for a dinner:
LP:”What do you think of [$40/entree restaurant] as a restaurant? Any good?”
The joke has always been that it was my inner beauty that was so attractive. It’s not.
I joke in my dating profile that the first thing people notice is my personality.
I can be kind of a bitch.
More importantly, I am beautiful.
Those are hard words for me to write.
They were, rather.
They were hard words to think.
Because, despite it all, I haven’t felt I am. I’ve not felt beautiful; I’ve felt lucky.
That makes an enormous difference in how you approach the world.
Technically, I slept two hours tonight, but I’ve been up since at least 330 am, unable to fall back asleep. Now, it’s nearly 630 am and I know sleep will never come.
I am extremely stressed out about everything in my life — money, especially — and I hate that I am about to start making dangerous compromises again.
Today, I will be seeing some of my favorite people to talk work stuff. I am meeting the Chef for coffee at 11 am, the Think Tank Exec and PR Junior for drinks to make a business introduction between them. That’s the positive stuff.
The negative stuff is almost entirely money related and I am glitching hardcore. I am contemplating what I can sell that I own. I am thinking about pawning jewelry. I have no idea what to do as I’ve STILL not been paid for work I did 10 months ago and I’ve not received the thousands of dollars I am owed since November or that I was promised in February.
I am afraid I am dying as I’ve not been to the doctor in a while.
And, I am starting to resent caring about the Bon Vivant more than I should. Despite knowing that he’d be silent for weeks while he was gone, I listened to him when he said he’d be checking in. He never does. Never.
I finally had a conversation with the Tattooed Brunette about Friday night with PR. She wad there — and more sober than I — so she filled in some of the gaps.
She really likes PR. She found him funny, charming and generous.
Apparently, he bought A LOT of alcohol for us.
She had no idea I was blackout. We were having fun and I was being huggy and effusive with her. We went to the Ladies together and I told her how much I liked PR.
She asked me about the show, and confirmed he’d put me on the guestlist. I laughed, and said, no, BandMate did. Apparently, he kept telling me he’d put me on the guestlist for his show. I knew he’d forget.
She said we were both drunk, but not dangerous and she only left because she knew I was with PR and safe.
She assured me that the only inappropriate thing I did was reaching my hand into her glass of bourbon rocks when I dropped something in her glass. I’d been eating spicy edamame, which added interesting flavor.
She is awesome.
So, I have found the perfect evening, and a companion I adore. Unfortunately, we’re just friends. Life would be so much easier if there were something else there, but there isn’t.
And that’s the fun of life, right?
Last night, I met my friend the think tank executive who I met on an online dating site for a movie that devastated us both. Then we sat at the bar at one of my favorite downtown restaurants drinking jasmine pearl tea and ultimately in a booth when two friends of his had finally landed in town. With his friends — one an art director, the other an editor — we talked about the nature of art and culture and our favorite works of art and how informed those choices are by our upbringings and it was fabulous.
I spent way too much money, as TTE and I always alternate checks as we’re not actually dating, but it was worth it. Essentially, I spent all the money I’d budgeted for the entire weekend, so now I will stay in. Again, worth it.
I am so inspired by conversations and activities from this week. My commitment to being more authentically me (launched along with the renewed commitment to the Bon Vivant) was reinforced by everything with M and with TTE. I get such energy from being around great people doing great things and my focus needs to be on those positive elements. I need to take the time to, as I told RA via chat this morning:
we may be moving out of [planner]-narcissism phase and back into [planner]-insufferable-consumer-of-art phase
The hardest commitment is making a commitment to myself.
Committing to someone else is easier to say — and do, for a time, anyway. But committing to myself — real, fundamental commitment is much harder.
I have decided to be a better person, to take more control over my life, and to exert myself more, to hold myself to a higher standard. The real standard. To be my best me.
The situation with the Bon Vivant — the commitment I made to him — was actually a commitment I made to me. It went beyond my relationship with him.
And, obviously, it outlasted it.
I am making real changes and taking more control. This weekend was a perfect example.
I have amazing friends.
In the aftermath of what happened, they embraced me and made today a really positive day, which got much much worse before it got better. I got hit with two financial things . . . and I was saved from the most unexpected source.
I am leaving this awful few days with a new commitment to myself and to fixing some fundamental problems in my life.
I made a decision that may sound counterintuitive given the context, but I have decided to acknowledge that I am in a relationship with the Bon Vivant and, more importantly, to act accordingly, and I believe sincerely that this will significantly simplify my life.
In short, this means I have decided to stop seeing other people or entertaining other options.