So many things are happening, so quickly, that I have virtually abandoned posting here. I have not abandoned writing. I have many long, rambling posts sitting in my draft pile recounting everything that is happening and how I feel about it all.
Right now, I am a bit overwhelmed with work. I work every day and that means the quality of my work suffers. I need breaks, free time, thinking and wandering time. In my career as a planner, I have two tasks — thinking and writing. If the thinking suffers, the writing suffers. If the writing suffers, people do not understand the plan.
I am supposed to be on vacation — a working vacation with BP, but a vacation nonetheless. For me, a vacation is an opportunity to turn off the phone, step away from the computer, and wander aimlessly. In other words, it’s a chance to really create. I can think back to some of the Big Ideas I have conjured in the past and almost all of them happened while driving or flying or wandering around the Tuileries or visiting favorite paintings at the Met. It’s an opportunity to see and experience the world differently for a little while and it’s the greatest inspiration in the world.
Being stuck here, less than optimally inspired, makes me crankier than absolutely necessary.
It’s just not that appealling to me. I’ve had to deal with the Big Breakup with A and the Shadow Breakup with X and I am just not interested in spending a lot of time being involved in dating. I am fully confident that if I wanted to date now I could find people I would like. I am fully skeptical that I could find people I would love. I feel desired, admired, attractive, so I do not need the external validation dating provides.
BP has candidates lined up for me that he feels are perfect for whenever I want to jump in, but he thinks they are appropriate husband/partner material. His choices — young, very successful, high flying corporate executives (exactly like him at that age) and people successfully involved in the arts (a particular passion of mine). He sees young (slightly younger than I am) and successful as the two most important characteristics — along with tall and handsome, of course.
Eh, I am not someone who is driven to date an equal. My real qualifier is “is he interesting to me?” I have dated absurdly successful people who viewed me (especially, the young me) as a “trophy” of sorts. I have dated people who were underemployed but bookish. I have dated people whose careers revolve around their physicality.
I am fascinated to see what type of person the next Mr. Planner will be, but I am just not that interested in meeting him yet.
I am house-hunting. It’s a distraction for me, and helps me keep moving ahead. I have a budget in mind that is about halfway between what my mother and A think it should be and what BP thinks it should be. Even mom and A’s budget is more than double what I would have considered last year.
My thoughts on what the new place should be have shifted as my thoughts about who I am have shifted. I am looking at “statement” houses more than I would have thought. I have three places in mind and I’ve been checking them out, examining floor plans and flow, and pondering whether to move forward now or to wait 3 or 4 months.
I am perfectly comfortable where I am for now, but I’d love more space, more privacy, and a place where I can truly entertain a large group comfortably. I’d love to host parties again, but I feel as though the condo is just not large enough to have 20-30 people here, though I have done it. I’d love a slightly larger kitchen with more workspace. I love my neighbors, but I am very aware that they notice everything since we’re all on top of each other.
I am a different person than I was six months ago or a year ago or two years ago. I do not know that I have ever liked myself this much or known myself this well — though I have always been a relatively egomaniacal navel-gazer.
I am enjoying my life, though I still have daily challenges with not being in control of my finances. Things have improved rapidly and I continue to see that those improvements will continue.
I feel good and healthy. I am 2 pounds away from reaching my “ultimate” weight loss goal and 7 pounds from the revised goal. I have been off the road for a couple of weeks, so I am eating better. I made quiche this week and it’s been so great to have around. I forgot how much better I feel knowing I have that staple already made.
On the whole, life is vastly improved. I am working too hard, pushing myself too far, and I can get a bit lonely, but those are all things I can change.
I have a birthday coming in a few weeks and I am not completely dreading it. To me, that’s one of the best signs that things are good.