“[Software Developer]: Just had a beer with your buddy [Bon] 6:57 PM”
Some day, a text like this won’t make me want to throw up.
That day is not today.
30 Monday Apr 2012
Posted Uncategorized
in“[Software Developer]: Just had a beer with your buddy [Bon] 6:57 PM”
Some day, a text like this won’t make me want to throw up.
That day is not today.
27 Friday Apr 2012
Posted Uncategorized
inThere is something amusing / disturbing / amusing about realizing most of the men I have dated have names that end in the same letter.
This has been The topic of conversation for most of tonight.
And now, I am tipsily sitting in a bar I love enough I had a bdsy Party here and waiting until I can go to meet up with BM and BMG at a show.
And I am trying not to drink the drink I ordered. Yay, Fridays.
27 Friday Apr 2012
Posted Uncategorized
inToday’s post, and yesterday’s for that matter, are why I have been writing here for years. I actually felt better just getting it all off my chest.
The rest of today has been incredibly active and fulfilling.
My short-term money woe was solved by Software Developer, from whom I asked to borrow $20. Instead, he offered me $100. And I cried.
I know that I am fortunate. I know that I have a lot of people who love and support me. I am dedicated to proving myself worthy of that.
27 Friday Apr 2012
Posted Uncategorized
inThe BV “I love you, you’re hilarious” fluffy kerfuffle is a very pleasant distraction from the very real shit I am dealing with at the moment:
I am hearing the drumbeat of failure, and trying to ignore it.
I note that I am not getting invitations from my family of friends because they know I cannot afford to join them. I have to make daily choices and decisions that I find — at best — humiliating. My family is not speaking to me. I am obsessed with the idea that I’ve not had health insurance for long enough I am actually dying.
Every minute of every day, I have to overcome all of that shit to get out of bed, think positive thoughts, and present my best face to the world.
27 Friday Apr 2012
Posted Uncategorized
inOops.
That’s really the bottom line.
I misspoke this afternoon, and I maybe kinda sorta re-opened a door I’d not intended.
Soooo . . .
19 Thursday Apr 2012
Posted Uncategorized
inI met up with the Bon Vivant this afternoon.
It was weird and uncomfortable and ultimately good.
The best best part: we are firmly and most assuredly in friend zone.
13 Friday Apr 2012
Posted love, relationships
inThis morning, I awoke with a song snippet floating through my head.
It wasn’t completely random; I had heard it playing earlier at the Chic Hotel Bar as I sat drinking champagne cocktails with RA and later PR Jr. and another girlfriend.
03 Tuesday Apr 2012
Posted being single, love, romance
inI subscribe to an email service that send me a daily reminder of what I was doing on this date last year. It kinda sucks because as happy as many of those days are — and, frankly, most of them were very happy as I am not usually posting or checking in when they’re not — it’s a reminder that it was a year ago.
Last year, on this date, I took C to brunch at a place so elegant I had a lobster and caviar omelet with creme fraiche and drank champagne rather than mimosas. We sat on a patio, then went shopping, and I bought 6 dresses.
That was not the highlight of the day.
The highlight of the day was when LP joined us on a different patio of a different bar, along with C’s man of the moment. I’d not seen him since we’d split the summer before.
It was as if we had never been apart.
It was so intense and so magical that the memory of it sustained me — and presumably him — through dark times.
Knowing it was a year ago is making me sad.
I should be happy.
He is still in my heart, I am still in his. Circumstances and our own craziness (mostly his) conspire against us.
C said to me at the time — rather dramatically, claiming to be an empath — he loves you so much, but you two can’t be together right now. It may be years.
Duh.
I have always known that. I have not been waiting. Not entirely. But, he lives in my heart, and I live in his, and at some point, we might get it right.
He has a birthday this week, so I am reticent about reaching out to him today to say “I have the happiest memories of seeing you on this day last year.” But I may. Because I do.
It’s all the days in between that make me sad.
==========
Last year’s posts: https://thenewnewplan.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/true-love-never-smooth/ and https://thenewnewplan.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/cocktails-with-lp-backstory/
02 Monday Apr 2012
Posted Uncategorized
inI am completely inwardly focused right now, which is very healthy in many ways . . . and unhealthy in one big one.
02 Monday Apr 2012
Last week, my best guy friend Jerk Face lost his mother. We had a funeral mass one day and then a couple of days later a memorial celebration. And then we got him epically wasted.
It’s been a rough time for him, obviously, and my main focus for a week has been him.