It happens, even to me.
One of those days when I feel unloved and unappreciated. When I feel like nothing I can do is good enough. When I feel that maybe I am perpetually second … second-choice, second-rate.
My ego feels bruised and battered.
This doesn’t just center around feeling neglected or rejected by one man, it’s being neglected by all the men. All the men everywhere always.
I am feeling lonely, which is a little silly as I had five dates last week with four different men (I canceled one), and I am about to see a group of friends.
But I am lonely.
I work essentially in finance, and I spend days focused on value. I am obsessed with value. We joke with my two dearest friends here that our weekly dinner parties all devolve into valuation discussions … because they do. (Our one deviation was last week when we started a charity.)
Because I focus on value, I do also think about the role of value I have in the marketplace. It’s competitive. I am aging. Etc.
But, for the most part, I am able to date who I wish. I am not always able to keep them long-term. And this is the crux of my current obsession.
It’s also, when I step outside my brain, ridiculous. I was engaged to my college boyfriend who I dated 5.5 years. I was with A for more than 7. I have continuing relations with nearly every significant ex including BFD, the most significant of the past three years . And LP and I are still in contact. We’d gone out twice this year and we are still tangentially in each other’s lives. Heck, even N wants to date me as did TNG … and he never really liked me that much.
I am concerned that perhaps my true value is waning. The Real Deal has not contacted me since our third date, which ended rather abruptly for us. The Bon Vivant is and is not connected to my life. I am sleeping with him, but he (I presume jokingly) rejected my fb friend request after I’d mentioned the invite hanging out there.
I’ve had one and two dates with people, none of whom I particularly clicked with, but still, rejection. I am in a shame spiral about this and wondering what I do next. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me or am I meeting the wrong men or the right men at the wrong time?
Rather than focus too much on these questions, I will be meeting a group of friends for an evening of fun and laughter.
I hope that releases me from my funk. Something needs to.