I am still having computer issues, so I am doing most of my blogging from my iphone.
This should explain most of my typing issues, and some clarity ones as well.
I am choosing to post, rather than edit and post.
Apologies.
21 Wednesday Jul 2010
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inI am still having computer issues, so I am doing most of my blogging from my iphone.
This should explain most of my typing issues, and some clarity ones as well.
I am choosing to post, rather than edit and post.
Apologies.
20 Tuesday Jul 2010
Posted Uncategorized
inLast night, while really really bored and missing LP, I texted someone i’d dated pre-TNG while LP was away and I was acutely lonely … Brawny.
I was really just curious about how he was and I know I’d dropped out of sigt after TNG.
Long story short, I heard back from him tonight and he asked me out for Friday.
20 Tuesday Jul 2010
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inI had dinner with BFD and Hot Neighbor after our respective workouts. It was fun.
One of my mates extolled BFD’s physique and personality to me so amusingly I told him — people always say you’re so nice — they obviously don’t k ow you. But she kept saying he is so gorgeous– that body!!!
And I agreed. He has an amazing body.
Continue reading
18 Sunday Jul 2010
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inI sent my resume to BFD as a jumping off point for a wide-ranging career discussion . . . and he just sent it back to me two hours later with the note “consolidated and reformatted.”
========
And just as I was cursing his name . . . and typing this, he called and asked me for a ride tomorrow because his suv (and now only car) was hit and has to go into the body shop. So we are renting one of the teensy cars and I am picking him up to tomorrow and then we are going to dinner and then I am driving him home. We will have a chance to talk about my career.
And who knows what else. He says he wants to catch up. We are both excited. And happy. Yay!
17 Saturday Jul 2010
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inI awoke Saturday morning, having deleted LP’s profile pictures from my address book so I did not have to see him every time I opened it on Friday night, to a brief “good morning” text from him at 815. I responded back in kind within 10 minutes but did not hear from him again.
As soon as I put him into “friend zone” in my brain, he reaches out.
Every single time.
16 Friday Jul 2010
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inI am having a very bad day unrelated to this, which just makes it all worse …
I feel a tightness in my chest when I think of LP because he is absent.
I know, thanks to his oversharing ex, that he is not here. He is off being his kick-ass self. He has been back and forth every week or so since I saw him five weeks ago.
15 Thursday Jul 2010
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inI made a made decision a couple of weeks ago, backed by hope and thought that things would be okay, and they are not. Now I have to fix it and I am not sure how I can.
It will be painful to acknowledge that I am still hamstrung by poverty to people I do not want in my business. I do not want to call BFD for help, but I may not have a choice.
I have had better days…
14 Wednesday Jul 2010
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inThe worst thing, for me, about being single is having to find dates for events.
I have four upcoming events — fashion, art, music, and my own party.
What inevitably happens is I will end up with four potential dates for each and then will go alone.
Married life and life with BFD (and to significantly lesser extent LP) were easier because their unavailability meant I could have a platonic escort. But now if I invite a man, there are expectations.
I often try to clarify such expectations ahead of time, which leads to predate awkwardness, but an easy situation on the date.
Anyone free on Friday?
13 Tuesday Jul 2010
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inSo, I finally checked to see the last time I was in contact with LP, oh so long ago . . .
Six Days.
That’s it. Just six days.
Plan, wtf?!!!
No wonder I felt as though I needed a vacation from me.
It started when I read a missive from his oversharing ex about a date or something and just got really pissed off.
Now, there IS distance between us. He’s been gone on and off since I saw him last month, when it felt like we’d be back together. His locked down fb page appeared at this time, too, unlocked for once, showing up in all of my search results as the first thing I saw if I typed his very common first name into my browser which I do routinely from the i phone fb app.
So, I freaked out about this, too, and cut off all contact, and nearly wrote him a lengthy Dear LP email that would have killed it forever.
For absolutely no reason.
He is doing what he does — struggling to survive his difficult circumstances, coping with his high stress job, going to therapy. I know him well enough to know that he thinks we’re fine, closer than before the reconciliation of course, and that we will be together when he figures it all out.
I . . . am not where he thinks I am. But I rarely am. I told him months ago that I no longer wanted to be Penelope. I have not been tending the homefires, chastely. I have lived my life — which is what I will keep doing, with or without him.
But seriously . . . it has only been six days. I am ridiculous.
13 Tuesday Jul 2010
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inWhen I have been at my most disconnected, I have spent all of my time with other people so I did not have to be alone with myself . . . a night alone was panic-inducing.
I have no idea how I am actually doing, but I feel happier alone.
I have forced myself to not contact TNG or LP, and I am pleased that now I cannot remember the last time I did. (we are only talking days, not weeks.)
Still, it feels different. I feel better. Tender, healing, raw, but better.
I miss LP, but it is wistful not tear-filled. I miss TNG, but I am happy thinking of him and the fun we had.
I had some solid business success yesterday as we tested a new thing and it seemed to work. If we can replicate the model, which was the point if the test, then I will be stable financially. Whether or not that happens, I am moving forward on my career reboot.
BFD and N and Q and JF have all expressed emotional support for the reboot, and they are anxious to see things happen. So am I . . .